I have a really big problem, because I like talking to telemarketers and customer service. I like to give them a call every once in a while to see what’s up with them. I ask about their family, kids, etc. Usually they ask me to stop calling, and say something about contacting the police, but I ignore about 99 percent of what people say to me anyways.

I’d say that my most frequent encounters with customer service happen when I have to call my insurance company to file a claim. It happens a lot more often than you’d imagine, and I’m sure you can imagine it happening a lot.

The insurance people always give me the same old excuses:

“I’m sorry, your current vehicle plan doesn’t cover arson. I’m sorry, we can’t insure ground beef of any kind. I’m sorry that your fish died, but life insurance doesn’t cover pets. I’m sorry, but my manager says that we’re not supposed to pick up the phone if you call anymore.”

I’m a lot smarter than they give me credit for; I can see past all of their crap. They just don’t want to give me any of the money that I’ve rightfully earned by wrapping my 1991 Ford Taurus around an oak tree.

It’s really not my fault. Insurance is supposed to cover you if you get into an accident. So what if I was going 88 over the limit? Speed limits don’t count after midnight. I was trying to kill a fly. Give me a break.