Trust me, I watch the history channel; I know that it’s definitely aliens. It’s unequivocally aliens. There is no answer other than aliens. If this was a multiple choice test all the answers would be aliens.

Now that I’ve strongly expressed my opinions on the matter of aliens, it’s time for me to backpedal and go into the fetal position. It’s probably not aliens. When you look to the stars and see nothing staring back at you except for a poorly drawn ladle, then it’s probably not aliens. When your crops are defaced by giant flying saucers, then it’s probably not aliens. When democrats revert to their reptilian form, and devour their secretary whole, then who cares if it was aliens? Run away before they notice you’re there.

If you’re really interested in aliens then I don’t suggest watching the History Channel. Formerly known as the Hitler channel, the History Channel has very little to do with history, and isn’t coherent enough to be considered a TV channel anymore. If you really want to know about aliens, search the Intertunnel for firsthand accounts. They’re usually fake, but eventually you’ll come across a really chilling story.

One time, there was a man down in Utah who kept seeing strange lights in the woods outside his home every night at around 3 AM. He lived alone with his cat names Cosmo, and there weren’t any houses around him for miles. After about a week, the man decided to find out what was making the bright lights every night. He snuck into the woods at around midnight and waited for 3 AM to roll around. After a few hours his cat came out to join him, and sat down a few yards behind him.

At 2:59 AM he heard a whirring sound, and to his amazement a huge flying saucer landed right in front of where he was standing. Before he had time to react two little grey aliens descended from the craft and ran straight past the man. The aliens approached the cat and said, “Greetings, take us to you litter.”