I don’t know if I could ever work in an office building. Being that close to people gives me hives, and I’m deathly allergic to work. It all seems a bit grim, which is why I have a lot of respect for my friends who work regular jobs for regular hours. Waking up each morning is enough of a chore without having to be somewhere before noon. It takes me well over an hour to wake up and get about halfway down the stairs. I have one friend in particular who’s always been very good about working, and showing up on time, and willingly participating in everything else that I abhor.

He’s worked at the same accounting job for about five years, and I don’t think he’s missed a single day of work. He’s a very friendly fellow, but we don’t get together as much as we used to. We’re both too busy to go out like old times. He spends long hours at the office, focusing on his work, and I spend most of my time standing outside yelling at traffic. We did manage to meet up a few weeks ago, and swap stories  — well, he told me a story while I ogled the waitresses at Applebee’s, but that’s not really relevant.

While I picked at my deep-dish, chicken-quesadilla pizza, he told me about how he finally had the gumption to waltz into his boss’s office and demand compensation for all his hard work and long hours. He wanted what was coming to him. Instead of giving him what was coming to him, his boss gave him a five percent raise, which I will never understand. Of course, my friend took his boss’s kindness for weakness and pressed him for more money.

“Look, I know business has been a bit slow lately, but I have three companies after me right now, but I would much rather stay here and continue working for you.”

Not wanting to lose the company’s top accountant, his boss decided that it was well within his interest to keep my friend around. Personally, I would have thrown anything within reach at my friend’s head for having the audacity to speak to me without first being spoken to. Along with the five percent pay raise, my friend’s new deal included four weeks of paid vacation per year, a company car on a two-year lease, and his own corner office.

After my friend filled out all the necessary paperwork, he thanks the boss for his time, and left to go set up his new office. On the way out, his boss got up and said, “If you don’t mind me asking, what three companies are interested in you?”

As he backed out of the room, my friend murmured, “The phone company, the cable company, and the electric company.”