When I was a young man my father gave me some of the best advice I have ever been given.

“Son, if you learn to play the guitar and sing you will get girls. It’s as simple as that.”

Naturally, I ignored him as I had no interest in icky girls at the time; but I assume the same principle can be applied to most other instruments. It is absolutely logical that the glockenspiel or the wurlitzer is equally as attractive to those of the female persuasion as a guitar. From there a tuba is only a short leap away.

So our dear friend with the pillbox hat and the emphysemic cough is not just some weirdo. He is the best kind of weirdo. He is a visionary. A genius. This might be the most revolutionary move in the history of popular music. The tuba will soon take the place of the guitar in popular culture. Guitar Center will be forcibly renamed Tuba Center, and every band without a tuba player will be seen as deeply unfashionable. The world will see the first all tuba rock band premiering live on national television. It will be glorious, and I for one welcome our new tuba overlords.