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Category: i told you no stairway to heaven

We’re An Американка Band

We’re An Американка Band

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Nothing beats full auto rock and roll. If the fans get rowdy you can fire a few warning shots to show that you mean business. You won’t need to hire any security, because no one will ever rush the stage. The venue owner will always pay up. No one will ever tell you to keep it down. It’s the only guitar suitable for robbing a liquor store after your gig. Groupies will be fewer and farther between, but they’ll have their hands in the air, that’s for sure.

I admit, a gold plated guitar is almost as bad as a double neck guitar, and this thing’s both. Either should be instant red flags and should be avoided by everyone other than twelve-year-old boys, and everyone that reads this site. But I also have to admit that full auto fretting is the shizzle.

Keep on rocking. The AK guitar is the perfect axe for your next Soviet Bloc party!

Well I See He Managed To Get His Shirt Off Vol.2

Well I See He Managed To Get His Shirt Off Vol.2

Ah, the sweet smell of agriculture in the morning. It’s a little known fact that hard rocking and farming have gone hand in hand for centuries. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “But Charlie, hard rock is so cool and farming is so lame. AC/DC and tractors don’t mix, and they never have.” Well that’s where you’re wrong.

Every piece of rock music can be played by a group of farmers with three teeth between them without making any alterations whatsoever to the music. Now why do you think that is? I have an answer that a lot of you may not very much care for. Rock music is just loud country music, and country music is just a polka. Thunderstruck is a polka. Are you catching what I’m flinging? Big brass tubas, accordions, and tiny trumpets; that type of polka.

Here are some other well known polkas:
Stairway To Heaven — polka
Smoke On The Water — polka
Back In Black — polka
Dream On — polka
Enter Sandman — polka
Sweet Child Of Mine — polka
Layla — polka
Crazy Train — polka
YYZ — polka
Hotel California — polka

Sultans Of Swing — polka

The list goes on, but you guys get the idea: if it can be played on a zither it’s probably a polka — Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

[A big thank you to Sam from Oregon for sending this along]

They Came From David Bowie’s Planet

They Came From David Bowie’s Planet

I’m really not sure what I’m looking at. I don’t know whether to laugh, or quake in fear. Do they come in peace? Should I take them to my leader? Beats me. All I know is that they fixed a Zeppelin tune, so they can’t be that bad. Their flame-headed hovering is quite charming, so as long as they don’t try anything involving probes we should be fine.

Very similar to probing is the dulcimer. Both are equally unpleasant, but at least you can play Zeppelin on one of them. Now that I think of it that’s not really a plus either.

[A big thank you to borderline sociopath Charles Schneider for submitting the second video]

The Best Worst Music Video Ever

The Best Worst Music Video Ever

I think it’s the one armed fellow playing the pan flute that really does it for me. Or maybe it’s their ludicrous outfits. I don’t even know anymore. Every moment of this video is a barrage to the senses. I feel like my head is being held underwater while I’m being brutally beaten, so take that as a glowing recommendation.

I guess when it comes right down to it this video isn’t exactly bad. It’s not exactly good, but it would be much less interesting if it was good. It has some good production value for being from Moldova; not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m sure Moldova is an absolutely lovely place. It just seems like an unusual location for the world’s next pop sensation to emerge from. The one armed flautists on the other hand will shoot to the top of the charts faster than you can say self-immolation.