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Category: i told you no stairway to heaven

The Organ Has Been Drinking

The Organ Has Been Drinking

The organ has been drinking
My bowtie is asleep
And the in-laws went back to New York
The pastor has to take a leak

And the crucifix needs a haircut
And the confessional looks like a prison break
‘Cause the altar’s out of cigarettes
And the pews are on the make

And the organ has been drinking
The organ has been drinking

And the bibles are all freezing
And the bridesmaid’s blind in one eye
And she can’t see out of the other
And the organ-tuner’s got a hearing aid
And he showed up with his mother

And the organ has been drinking
The organ has been drinking

And you can’t find the caterer
With a geiger counter
And she hates you and your friends
And you can’t get cake without her

And the organ has been drinking
The organ has been drinking

Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me

All The Best Bands Are Affiliated With Satan — Or Karate

All The Best Bands Are Affiliated With Satan — Or Karate

There is nothing sexier than a confident man and his cinder blocks. A radical trend setter like this has to have at least a dozen groupies on hand at any given moment. This guy is welcome to join my Procol Harum tribute band as soon as he’s done being engulfed in admirers. Admirers of the female persuasion, no doubt. What a guy.

He doesn’t stop there either. His rippling biceps and luscious head of hair give him the air of a Greek god. He appears to have modeled himself after Apollo, the god of music, poetry, and Karate. Karate, of course, being one of his lesser known skills.

After all that he managed to leave us with a little kernel of knowledge to ponder upon. If you watch the video several times the message begins to form right before your eyes. A memo from a great man:

When in doubt, set it on fire. The first-degree burns make you look cool and sophisticated.

I For One Welcome Our New Tuba Overlords

I For One Welcome Our New Tuba Overlords

When I was a young man my father gave me some of the best advice I have ever been given.

“Son, if you learn to play the guitar and sing you will get girls. It’s as simple as that.”

Naturally, I ignored him as I had no interest in icky girls at the time; but I assume the same principle can be applied to most other instruments. It is absolutely logical that the glockenspiel or the wurlitzer is equally as attractive to those of the female persuasion as a guitar. From there a tuba is only a short leap away.

So our dear friend with the pillbox hat and the emphysemic cough is not just some weirdo. He is the best kind of weirdo. He is a visionary. A genius. This might be the most revolutionary move in the history of popular music. The tuba will soon take the place of the guitar in popular culture. Guitar Center will be forcibly renamed Tuba Center, and every band without a tuba player will be seen as deeply unfashionable. The world will see the first all tuba rock band premiering live on national television. It will be glorious, and I for one welcome our new tuba overlords.