You’re Gonna Like The Way You Look — Vishnu Guarantees It

You’re Gonna Like The Way You Look — Vishnu Guarantees It

I don’t take my lion out to dinner anymore. He occasionally eats the waiter, and I find that it affects the quality of service you receive after that. I don’t take my lion to Men’s Wearhouse, either, for similar reasons. Besides, he spends too much, and it’s even harder to wrest a credit card away from an angry lion than a wife. Like, four or five percent harder. That’s pretty hard.

Lions aren’t completely useless, however. We all know that the best way to pick up chicks is to dress well and flash a little cash. In many social situation, you can get bonus points if you bring a cute pet along with you. It’s the reason dudes bring puppies and ankle-biting little brothers to the beach. Perhaps bringing a lion to Indian Olive Garden will have a similar effect, but I am beset by doubts.

Man, John Travolta Is An Awesome Guitar Player

Man, John Travolta Is An Awesome Guitar Player

I know many musicians sell their soul to the Devil in exchange for fame and fortune, but this guy really takes it to the next level. He doesn’t appear to want fame, fortune, or anything else worth having for that matter. He evidently doesn’t want good looks, and he certainly didn’t wish for less body hair, so what does he want? I’d ask Satan to weigh in on the question, but he no longer answers my calls. His secretary puts me on hold, and I have to listen to Highway To Hell on a loop until I give up and douse my phone in holy water to get it to stop.

If I had to guess, I suspect this fellow is trying to melt faces with his blistering speed, like the last scene in Raiders of The Lost Ark, only with fewer Nazis and more potted plants.

Sorry Fellas, I Need To Go Back, I Forgot The Beer

Sorry Fellas, I Need To Go Back, I Forgot The Beer

Sometimes being the life of the party is daunting. When interesting conversation isn’t cutting it anymore, you either have to bring a lot of booze, or throw yourself into the pool unexpectedly. If you’re really having trouble getting noticed by the fine chicas poolside, you can always try driving your car into the pool. Driving a car into the pool can be expensive, however, so most people stick to throwing themselves in, or maybe a rattlesnake or a baby alligator or something. Of course you can base jump into the pool from a nearby skyscraper if you can’t afford a case of beer. However, if it’s your first base jump, experts advise that you wear an adult diaper. No one except Bill Murray will think you’re cool if they find a Baby Ruth in the pool.

Everything Is Better In Slow Motion. Even Warmed-Over Internet Barf

Everything Is Better In Slow Motion. Even Warmed-Over Internet Barf

Kids these days and their memes or mee-mees and their may-mays, or whatever they call them. I can’t get out of bed in the morning without seeing a meme. Like pogs, and everything else that kids have shoved up their noses for generations, the very idea of meems will likely disappear into the ether like so many other bad ideas. You know, like Zima. Anyway,we could band together to stop memes. Maybe if we formed some sort of commission, or stopped reproducing as a species, we could wipe out the ma-may menace.

Or you can chuckle and move on. It’s entirely up to you.