I don’t take my lion out to dinner anymore. He occasionally eats the waiter, and I find that it affects the quality of service you receive after that. I don’t take my lion to Men’s Wearhouse, either, for similar reasons. Besides, he spends too much, and it’s even harder to wrest a credit card away from an angry lion than a wife. Like, four or five percent harder. That’s pretty hard.

Lions aren’t completely useless, however. We all know that the best way to pick up chicks is to dress well and flash a little cash. In many social situation, you can get bonus points if you bring a cute pet along with you. It’s the reason dudes bring puppies and ankle-biting little brothers to the beach. Perhaps bringing a lion to Indian Olive Garden will have a similar effect, but I am beset by doubts.