I don’t take my lion out to dinner anymore. He occasionally eats the waiter, and I find that it affects the quality of service you receive after that. I don’t take my lion to Men’s Wearhouse, either, for similar reasons. Besides, he spends too much, and it’s even harder to wrest a credit card away from an angry lion than a wife. Like, four or five percent harder. That’s pretty hard.
Lions aren’t completely useless, however. We all know that the best way to pick up chicks is to dress well and flash a little cash. In many social situation, you can get bonus points if you bring a cute pet along with you. It’s the reason dudes bring puppies and ankle-biting little brothers to the beach. Perhaps bringing a lion to Indian Olive Garden will have a similar effect, but I am beset by doubts.
We’re striking out this week when it comes to music. I’m sorry fellas, I just can’t help myself. When I find something awful, I need to share it with you lovely people. Not because I think you want it, but because you deserve it. Everyone needs to have a chuckle at someone’s expense. Even if it’s not that much of an expense. I feel like I’m doing a public service by shoveling this crap back to the forefront of the Intertunnel. I’m like a great explorer, or the curator of an art exhibit. I’m like Indiana Jones but less masculine and completely useless at everything.
I don’t know whether to be scared or slightly aroused. While regular old Indians are more than enough to get me excited, when you throw in fantastically choreographed fights and huge muscles all around, I’m not sure I can contain myself. I didn’t even know there were that many muscular Indians available. Maybe they hired an entire IT call center to get juiced up for the film, but that seems like it would take a while.
The video offers such a thoroughly unusual combination of Western culture and Eastern weirdness. The sheer amount of masculinity exuded by every frame is incalculable. The testosterone seeped through the screen and entered my pores. I grew a full, bushy mustache after the first minute of viewing. After two minutes I grew an extra foot and put on one-hundred pounds of pure muscle.
I’ve already gone to far. If I watch past the three-minute mark I feel like the sheer amount of manliness will rip a hole through time and space and the Indian version of Arnold Schwarzenegger will swoop in and ask if I’m happy with my current Internet service provider. While that’s not necessarily a bad thing, I have stuff to do tomorrow, and I really don’t have time to drag myself out of a roid-rage wormhole, again.
It’s All Fun And Games Unil You Can’t Find The Giant Water Bug
Whoever built that tiny marker fortress is delusional if they think it can hold back that creature, The darn thing has psychoactive, inter-dimensional powers from the black lagoon — and legs. I’m not really sure what they were expecting; kindness to insects is only ever repaid with blood, painful stinging, and biting. They’d be better off trying to pet a rabid raccoon like a normal person.