Just Think; Your Dad Played Wiffle Ball With You. Once

Just Think; Your Dad Played Wiffle Ball With You. Once

There can be no mightier man than the Dad Man.

See, Dad Man starts out big. He’s ten feet tall with arms like derricks and legs like tree trunks. He picks you up like a rag doll and throws you up in the air like a satellite. His voice booms like dragons arguing in a cave. His beard is like pavement. You’re down there on the floor, and he’s up there in the heavens. He has pockets full of quarters. He is the mightiest man you know.

Then there’s this guy. He’s Dad Man squared. 

(Thanks to reader Jonathan Frost-Johnson for sending that one along, via The Silicon Graybeard)

Real Men Of Genius: Open Enrollment On Parade Day

Real Men Of Genius: Open Enrollment On Parade Day

Practice is for losers.

Let’s face it. It’s hard work getting ready for a parade. You’ve got to figure out what those little runes on the weird grid paper mean, and which buttons to press on the trumpet mean what note, and which notes Henry Purcell preferred over your much, much more inspired notes. And those uniforms — whew, those look expensive, and a bit constricting under the arms. A man’s gotta stay loose. That hat looks like it’s an instant headache. And the fellow leading the convoy scowls a lot when you really start blowin’, man. You go to all the trouble to shoehorn In A Gadda Da Vida into Colonel Bogey’s March, and all you get for your trouble is a glare, and maybe a rap with a baton. 

Tell those stuck-up longhairs that you’re the only person on Earth that read all 16,000 pages of the Affordable Care Act, and parades are definitely mentioned in there, it’s open enrollment, and your pre-existing condition of musical malingering is no bar to entry to their parade. Then let your freak flag fly, son. It’s the law.

Gentlemen, We Cannot Afford A Silverware Gap

Gentlemen, We Cannot Afford A Silverware Gap


Here you see the Russian military training for the all-important knifey-spoony maneuver. It’s a bit spoon heavy, I grant you, but you can see the danger that we’ll be caught flat-footed, what with our military busy perfecting unmanned aircraft technology, making sure drone deliveries by Amazon don’t get shot down by sleeper cells with BB guns or something.  We should be training to counter lightning larder raids by those damn Russkies.

We’ll grow complacent, and BAM! — cutlery. Gentlemen, we cannot afford a silverware gap.

(Thanks to Charles Schneider for sending that one along)

Gimme A Phased Plasma Rifle In The 40-Watt Range

Gimme A Phased Plasma Rifle In The 40-Watt Range


You know, some people don’t think much of the Second Amendment. They try to torture the syntax into a ban on anything but bolt-action .22 deer rifles, which you must admit would at least inconvenience the deer, and rusty shotguns you display over your mantelpiece.

Personally, I think we should expand the Second Amendment. Tweak it a bit. Bring it up to date. We should add on a coda or suffix or postscript or sequel or whatever you want to call it — and it should read that anyone that can make a weapon like this one should be able to own it, and wave it around, and carry it on the bus, and use it on anyone that looks at him funny. Demonstrated greatness in the service of mankind needs a grand gesture in return, I always say.

We also need to raise the bag limit on old laptops, and extend the hunting season on them.

(Thanks to Jonathan Frost-Johnson for shooting that one our way)