Great Moments In Cyrillic Firefighting

Great Moments In Cyrillic Firefighting

When I see that wonderful Cyrillic alphabet in the title, I always know what I’m going to get.

Well, not exactly what I’m going to get of course. I’m not a mind reader, and everybody in Russia is half out of their minds anyway, so mind reading might not help. But I always have a hunch that something wacky is going on just past the play button. I’m rarely disappointed.

Picture, if you will, the Russian Fire station. The phone is ringing off the hook. There is a wide assortment of supermarkets, apartment buildings, buses, trains, planes, trucks, cars, scooters, nuclear power plants, and mulecarts fully aflame all over the immediate area. There are pools of flammable hazardous waste leaking out of everything, and even the infants smoke. The Dalmation has three legs left from the last time they all got a notion to do something fun.

Sergei or Ivan or Ivor or Leonid answers the phone once in a blue moon, and yells over the frantic cries for help: Call back later; we’re busy out front.

[Thanks to tovarisch Gerard at American Digest for sending that one along]

The Only Difference Between This And Real Golf On TV Is That I’d Watch The Hell Out Of This

The Only Difference Between This And Real Golf On TV Is That I’d Watch The Hell Out Of This


Admit it. The only reason to watch golf on TV is to see good weather. Well, it used to be, but even that doesn’t apply anymore. There’s too much money involved, so they play in crappy weather now, too. Bah.

Personally, I think this video shows us the way to make golf interesting as a spectator sport. It’s great, of course, but it doesn’t go far enough. Then again, people like me don’t think Attila the Hun went far enough, so take that into consideration. But anyway, you could make golf much more compelling as a spectator sport by using one simple trick: Add defense.

That’s right. Why let people just futz around and aim and talk to a flunkey and test the breeze and polish their balls while they leave quarters all over the green? First of all, we pave that green. Throw away half the clubs and put baseball bats and vuvuzelas and BB guns in there instead. Anything goes. I don’t want flabby guys that look like TV weathermen putting and tipping their cap anymore. I want a cross between the Road Warrior and field hockey.

And yacht racing? Two words: deck guns.

[Thanks to the indispensable Charles Schneider for sending that one along]

I’m A Borderline Sociopathic Boy. I Can’t Picture How This Could Lead To Trouble In Any Way

I’m A Borderline Sociopathic Boy. I Can’t Picture How This Could Lead To Trouble In Any Way

I want one. Hell, I want two. I know it’s just mom’s hair dryers on a stick, but it’s the greatest invention in the history of ever. Think of all the people I can annoy with one of these babies.

You  know, it’s getting so you can’t inconvenience and infuriate regular old skiers just by snowboarding anymore. You can crash into them all you want, litter the pistes with your prone and supine carcasses after your endless wipeouts — they’re used to it now. Jaded. But now, with this thing, you can bowl them over in the parking lot while they’re still trying to loosen the bungie cords on their Rossignols on their roof racks. We can ski on the walkways outside their condos. Hell, if you supercharge the apparatus, (you know I will) you’d be able to crash into them going uphill now. They’re never expecting that.

dreamscience propulsion

If Mr. Rogers Collected German Anti-Tank Guns

If Mr. Rogers Collected German Anti-Tank Guns


It’s a beautiful day at the live fire range,
A beautiful day for semiautomatic interruptions
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?…

It’s a neighborly day, like the Belleau Wood,
A neighborly day for Big Berthas.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?…

I’ve always wanted to shoot weapons just like you.
I’ve always wanted to live near a gravel berm with you.

So, let’s make the most of this beautiful day.
Since we’re together we might as well say:
Would you fire mine?
Could I fire yours?
Won’t you be my Forward Observer?

Won’t you please,
Won’t you please?
Please won’t you turn off the car alarm I just set off with this awesome PAK-40?

[Many thanks to Charles Schneider for sending that one along. He’s special]