Babies Are Worthless and Weak

Babies Are Worthless and Weak

[Warning: vaguely salty language and conduct]

I don’t like to generalize, because as we know all generalizations are always false, but I know for an absolute fact that babies just aren’t as good as actual humans. So before you tell me about how we need to hire more babies, because it’s wrong to just hire adult humans, you need a reality check. When was the last time you ever saw a baby doing anything useful, ever? They’ll eat, poop, and die if left unattended for more than thirty minutes. That’s ridiculous. If babies expect to get hired in this current job market, they need to really step up their game.

If they want people to support child labor hires, they need to make child labor more appealing.

A Sirloin Lullaby

A Sirloin Lullaby

The pied piper has really lowered his standards. I always thought he was one of those PETA fellas who was trying to save all the tiny animals. Looks like he wants a steak just like the rest of us.

Help, I’ve Fallen And I Can’t Lift Things Up And Put Them Down

Help, I’ve Fallen And I Can’t Lift Things Up And Put Them Down

Man, Arnold Schwarzenegger really let himself go. He wasn’t exactly the most presentable person to begin with, but that didn’t stop him getting elected governator of California, twice. On closer inspection I think that might be the reanimated corpse of Bette Davis, but there’s no way I could possibly tell. Everyone over a certain age turns the consistency of a leather handbag, and probably can store just as much rubbish between the loose folds.

McSweeney-Kwon-Do

McSweeney-Kwon-Do

Paul needs to find himself a better job. It’s not exactly thankless work, but I’m sure the money isn’t nearly enough for a man with such a high caliber mustache. I mean, just look at that thing. He could be using that amazing facial growth to fight crime on the streets of Miami, or to pick up chicks at a REO Speedwagon concert. Never again should he have to be the butt of a Total Self Defense video. Paul must turn that butt around, and kick it like there’s no tomorrow.

I have high hopes for Paul, let’s hope he doesn’t blow his new found mustache power on porn and daytime television.