Good Thing They Plugged It In; Otherwise It Wouldn’t Have Worked

Good Thing They Plugged It In; Otherwise It Wouldn’t Have Worked

Old Jake had cut firewood by hand with a swede saw for a living going on 50 years. He averaged about four cords a day. His son was home from college and watching him work remarked, “You could probably cut 10 times as much if you bought yourself a chainsaw.”

“Not interested in those new-fangled things,” Jake responded.

His son returned to college and Jake began to think that maybe the young guy was right; his old body seemed to ache more and more at the end of the day. So he went into town and bought a brand new top-of-the-line chainsaw.

The first couple days were not very productive–he only cut one cord each day. By the third day he had cut 3 cords but was dead tired. “This is not working,” he thought to himself, “My son said I would be able to cut 40 cords a day. I’m taking this stupid thing back.”

The next day he was in the hardware store complaining to the sales clerk about his chainsaw. “Blade seems a little dull, but not that bad. Let’s start it up,” the clerk muttered as he pulled the starting cord.

“What the hell is that noise?” Jake hollered.

YOU WOT MATE? I’LL BASH YUR HEAD IN, YA CHEEKY BADGER

YOU WOT MATE? I’LL BASH YUR HEAD IN, YA CHEEKY BADGER

I have a sneaking suspicion that they’re speaking English, but I really couldn’t tell you. After a while all the words strung together just turned into a single tone, and I’m pretty sure I’ve gone completely deaf in at least one of my several ears. I can still feel the vibrations from their speaking inside my head, but I have no way to decipher what the hell they’re on about. They seem to be angry about something, but it’s hard to tell. Maybe that’s just how they talk.

Since they seem to be on the Scottish version of Maury I’m guess that one of them likes leaving iceberg lettuce in the other’s bed, or perhaps they’re having a minor disagreement about who gets to use the TV on weekdays. I’m going to need a translator to get any more information, so that’s really the best I can do at the moment.

Dude, Stop Looking Down; You’re Scaring Everyone. Stop That

Dude, Stop Looking Down; You’re Scaring Everyone. Stop That

Climbing the second tallest building in Romania isn’t a picnic, but it sure looks good once you get to the top. Viewing the barren wasteland that is Eastern Europe is especially invigorating from high altitudes, because you get a great view of all the irradiated rubble.

The land has a certain gray tinge to it that’s unique to Eastern Europe. It’s like they live in a giant desert made from shredded newspaper and dead communists, but that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying the view. The concrete bunkers in the background give the place a certain je ne sais quoi. It makes me want to become a subsistence farmer and only eat beets for the rest of my life.

In Soviet Russia: Airplane Flies YOU

In Soviet Russia: Airplane Flies YOU

(Note: activate annotations for the most entertaining subtitles of any YouTube video)

Vodka fixes everything — this is a fact. I know it’s a fact, and I will continue to shout it into the abyss that is the Intertunnel until the day I get bored and stop. The only reason that plane was able to land safely was because of the obscene amount of vodka that fellow brought in his carry-on bags. Without vodka there is chaos, so he probably just averted an international catastrophe of epic proportions.

A Russian cannot function unless he has a couple drinks in him, so vodka man was doing his fellow countrymen a great service. Unfortunately, you can only get so drunk off a simple bottle of vodka, which is why I think that Russians will stop drinking vodka altogether. Having it injected intravenously is a much better option