When I Grow Up I Wanna Be An Electro-Scientician

When I Grow Up I Wanna Be An Electro-Scientician


I may not be very good at math, or science, or reading comprehension, or anything like that, but I really want whatever job this guy has. You get to electrocute yourself and make YouTube videos. Usually I have to stick a fork in a socket to get a buzz, he gets to do it for fun. He makes his own little circuits so he doesn’t even have to use the regular old fork technique. He’s playing way past that. He’s even past sticking your thumbs in the breaker box. He takes self-electrocution to a whole new level. He does it for science. The closest I’ve ever gotten to doing something for science was when I had a mole removed and they sent it off for extensive testing. I hope they’re using it for cloning. Anything short of cloning would be an immense disappointment.

The progression of science just seems like such a noble cause. If they find me stuck in one of the snowy fields outside my house; tell them I did it for science. It’s a lot more romantic than getting lost on the way to the bathroom. Worst case scenario I can donate my organs to science — they’ll probably get more use out of them than I ever did.

The Thai Space Program Is Exactly What You Would Expect

The Thai Space Program Is Exactly What You Would Expect


There was no obvious loss of life, and the thing technically went off without a hitch, but I’m still not entirely convinced that they’re ready to go to the Moon. The design is flawless. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s a brilliant idea to design your spacecraft like a mix between a cheese grater and a Beyblade. My only concern is that it doesn’t seem to have any room to carry any small animals or humans into space. A man cannot walk on the Moon if the man is left at home, beer in hand, watching the explosions from the safety of his bamboo dinette set. They need to attach a lawn chair to that thing at the very least. If the government backs the project, they might be able to afford a fancy lawn chair from Target.

I once said that going to the Moon is piss easy, and I still stand by that claim. The only real issue that people encounter when shooting for the Moon is that they try to get cute with their rocket designs. The Russians had immense problems in the beginning because no one told them that you weren’t supposed to build your spacecraft out of concrete and dead dissidents. America kept their designs relatively streamlined, but we still managed to litter the Moon’s surface with semi-exploded satellites and debris. If anyone cares to look you can probably find Buzz Aldrin’s discarded pee bags. He might not have been the first man to walk on the Moon, but he didn’t whizzing everywhere.

Fishpocalypse

Fishpocalypse


I want to go fishing there. There’s no lures, no waking up at ass-crack of dawn to catch the fish before they have their morning coffee, no waiting for hours while your line gets tangled in whatever debris litters the bottom of the life-less lake, just plain fishing. You go for a short ride and come home with enough fish to give the local wildlife preservationist a heart attack. Short of fishing with dynamite, this is the only way to roll. Let the fish do all the work while you drift by, sipping a warm beer, and getting a nice tan. If fishing was always like this, I feel people would be more inclined to go out and fish a little instead of doing absolutely anything else.

Fishing suffers from many of the same problems as baseball and soccer because they’re all horrendously boring to talk about, think about, participate in, and watch. Those looking to access a zen-like state of tranquility might enjoy fishing for all the reasons I just mentioned, but those sorts of people should be shunned from polite society. Us normal fun-loving, oxygen-breathing, non-reptilian people prefer to do things with our lives instead of sitting around for hours while the world spins madly on. We like to be the ones compelling the world to spin madly on instead of simply surrendering to it. Having the emotional sophistication of a Buddhist Frenchman is never a good quality.

If I must fish, I will do it by electrifying the lake and collecting the stunned inhabitants with a net, or I will descend into the depths with a bowie knife and return when I’ve finished filleting the wildlife.

It Has An — Unusual Flavor

It Has An — Unusual Flavor


Famous actors have a long history of getting completely blitzed and accidentally appearing in wine ads. Believe me, no one appears in a wine ad on purpose. Even if you drove up to Orson Welles’ house with a dump truck full of money he would be hesitant to show up. The only reason he’s in this ad is because he’s on the tail-end of a three-week bender. If he blew into a breathalyzer it’d show up as yes.

There have been times when sober actors have appeared in wine ads, but they didn’t want to be there either. James Mason looks like he’s being held at gunpoint in the lobby of a Motel 6. You can tell that he’s holding back tears as the producer motions for him to take a sip at the end. There’s only so much you can make a man do under duress, but no power on this planet can compel James Mason to drink Thunderbird wine.

Orson Welles, on the other hand, carries a bottle of Thunderbird wine on his person at all times.