Cars I’ll Never Buy, Driven By People I’d Never Have Lunch With

Cars I’ll Never Buy, Driven By People I’d Never Have Lunch With

It’s nothing personal; I just find it hard to eat when someone is talking at me about torque, power-to-weight ratios, and things of that nature. I’m interested in cars, but only in the most cursory sense. I barely passed my license exam, and my driving has been compared to that of a quadriplegic with nothing left to live for. I deal with heavy traffic through heavy sedation, and I’m not allowed to operate a vehicle outside of the contiguous United States. When someone tries to have a sophisticated conversation with me about cars, I curl up in a ball and die a little. Other than that, I’m the perfect person to talk about cars with after I’ve finished my sandwich.

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James Cameron Eat Your Heart Out

James Cameron Eat Your Heart Out

Still better than the CGI George Lucas raped the first three Star Wars movies with. Personally, I prefer to use bad CGI in a movie whenever possible. It adds an extra layer of entertainment to the giant pile of fetid frosting that is a modern movie. It’s my humble opinion that bad movies are much better than good ones. A good movie can get old. The way it’s filmed might seem outdated in a few years, the colors look all wrong after a few decades, and any video effects look cheesy within the year. If you make a movie that is so terrible you can’t look away, it will live on forever.

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I Hate Music, Especially When It’s Played

I Hate Music, Especially When It’s Played

If you don’t like King Khan and BBQ Show, you’re wrong and we can’t be friends anymore. I’m serious. Take it on the road, fella. Granted, they are a little rough around the edges, but their image is flawless. I’m not sure what their image is, but I’ll figure it out eventually. They’re sort of intergalactic male strippers who’ve put on a little weight, and channeled the spirit of a pissed off Buddy Holly on PCP. I say that like it’s a bad thing, but it’s the best thing. This song is what I’d refer to as a screamer, because it makes you want to scream along. Not sing the words exactly, but it makes you want to scream something.

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I’ll Have Two Firefighters Over Easy

I’ll Have Two Firefighters Over Easy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7LyJa94Io44

Its really rough being a fireman when you take the name literally. You’re not supposed to set yourself on fire, man.

This reminds me of a job I had for about five minutes before I was let go for breeding pigeons on the roof, and letting them use the bathroom for their poo parties. The poo parties weren’t my idea; I simply noticed that the pigeons pooped a lot, and liked frightening the incontinent. The bathroom was an ideal spot to keep them when they weren’t soaring above the Denny’s parking, defecating on everything that dared stray within a one-mile radius of their poo headquarters.

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