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Category: What is this I don’t even

If You Were a Real Man, You’d Dive Into a Pool in the End

If You Were a Real Man, You’d Dive Into a Pool in the End

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Please, this is child’s play. What you really need to do is build one of these on a 100-yard bowling lane. This will all make sense in a second. Next, bring a bowling ball onto the ride; as a bonus, you’ll have more weight for your momentum. When you go over the top of the swing, don’t stop. Keep swinging yourself for a few minutes to gain some speed. Finally, when you’re at Mach 5 and spinning like there’s no tomorrow, let go of the bowling ball and roll a strike.

That’s how I do it. But I’d have to leave the house and go outside, so forget it.

MY POTIONS ARE TOO STRONG FOR YOU

MY POTIONS ARE TOO STRONG FOR YOU

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Well, the script is a little repetitive, but it’s still better than the end of Game of Thrones, you have to admit.

Me, I get all of my strong potions from my dad’s desk. He tells me not to tell mom about it, because she made him throw away all of his strongest potions when they got hitched. She says that dad goes out on epic quests whenever he drinks strong potions, so he’s not allowed to partake anymore. She says he has a family to take care of now and needs to act responsibly. But he’s an adventurer at heart, so he keeps them around anyway. Every once and a while he lets me take a sip of his potions, and I get the urge to go out and battle my enemies. I also get a headache.

Of course, I’d need a fake ID if I ever wanted to buy my own strong potions. I’m only a level 18 knight, and I’m not allowed to buy potions until I’m level 21. And remember, kids: don’t potion and drive!

The BSBFB Olympics

The BSBFB Olympics

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Welcome to the BSBFB world headquarters. As you can see, our writers are hard at work practicing for the first ever BSBFB Very Special Olympics. We’re got some exciting new events that will really knock your socks off.

Our first event is the quadriplegic pummel. Don’t laugh. How many hits can you land on torso before you fall down and hurt yourself? He may be limbless, but he’s crafty. And rubbery. Let’s see you go toe to toe and hand to hand with him, tough guy.

The second event is fun with nunchucks. The objects is to figure out how to spell numchucks, I mean nunchecks, I mean nunchaku. Oh never mind.

Our third event is the college dorm bookshelf challenge. You place any old plank of wood across two concrete blocks and hurt yourself with them any old way. You never place books on them, however, as the college bookstore now only carries sweatshirts and mugs.

 

Can’t Sleep, Cow Will Eat Me

Can’t Sleep, Cow Will Eat Me

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I’m afraid. I’m not ashamed to admit it.

I’m not afraid of the wrinkled leathery man in tight pants. Nor am I concerned by the seven foot tall Rastafarian rooster. Even the song and dance numbers have little effect on me. It all comes down to the look on the face of every child involved. I’ve seen a hostage tape or two in my day and I know that look. They know what happens when the cameras stop rolling.

Being kidnapped by a cult of underground educational television producers is no picnic, but I assume it’s the only way to get on PBS these days. When they finally come for all of us and we’re being sacrificed to appease How Now the big moo cow — remember to breathe. Namaste!

[Thanks to our friend Gerard at American Digest  for sending that one along]