If your movie ad doesn’t start with a gravelly voiced man saying “In a world where…”, then I don’t want to see it.
Even if it’s a children’s movie or a rom-com, it needs to strictly adhere to the format. I don’t care if it’s starring the damn Care Bears. Hollywood has lost the knack. We need to band together to get the movie industry back on track. No more lame, tame, safe movies with timid trailers. I want hard hitting trailers, about hardcore movies, overdubbed by chain-smokers.
No Evil Space Robots Were Harmed In The Making Of This Film
I find it genuinely funny to think that the majority of the movies currently in theaters have little or no real-world content, as almost every sequence is generated using digital manipulation and satanic devil-magic ones and zeroes. No matter how many computers you use, they’re still just cartoons. It won’t be long until the programs look so realistic that everyone will be animated for the sake of convenience. Tom Cruise can only make so many action films before directors get tired of him hogging all the avocado smoothies, and absolutely ruining the bathroom every time he needs to take a turbo dump. At least you can generate his features from a safe distance, so animators won’t actually have to look him in the eye or talk to him the way someone would on set.
I’m not saying that any of this is a bad thing, but it’s important that we don’t let the appeal of having a massive Michael Bay-esque orgy of explosions draw attention away from the lackluster plot and acting. A movie should be judged on the merit of its terrible B-list actors, not the overwhelming amount of lens flares in each shot. Without their fancy effects their movie would be about twenty minutes long and consist of one closeup shot of the female protagonist’s — er — talent.
If the directors were smart they wouldn’t need any of the fancy explosions; they’d simply remake Italian Spiderman every year until the sun collapsed in on itself and engulfed our little corner of the universe in a glorious ball of cleansing fire.
In The Beginning The Universe Was Created. This Has Made A Lot Of People Very Angry And Been Widely Regarded As A Bad Move.
People of Earth, your attention, please. This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council. As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your star system. And regrettably, your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. The process will take slightly less than two of your Earth minutes. Thank you.
Ah, video games. I used to play a lot of video games. I still do — but I used to, too. I had to stop for a while because I blamed all my irregular tendencies on video games. Little did they know that beating up hobos was just something that I did on my own time, and it didn’t have anything to do with my obsession with Viva Pinata and the Sims.