I’m not a big fan of racing. I’ve never been very invested in races of any kind. I’ve seen NASCAR, Formula 1, Hydroplane Racing, rally racing, horse racing, dog racing, snail racing, homeless people racing; you name it, I’ve seen it. None of those races ever had me on the edge of my seat. I usually can’t pay attention to them for more than a few minutes without immediately falling asleep, but this race is different. The moment I saw that red marble, I was hooked.
Purina should be ashamed of themselves for making a Rube Goldberg machine that doesn’t have any real moving parts, or exists in any plane of reality outside of the matrix. That’s right folks, most of the video is computer generated, which in the case of a Rube Goldberg machine is cheating on a level beyond all comprehension. It’s cheating so severely that they seem to entirely miss the point of making a Rube Goldberg machine in the first place.
What they’ve done is tantamount to using a flamethrower as a starter pistol, while the starting judge hoses down all the runners with napalm at the start of the race. While it’s true that people who are engulfed in flames tend to run much faster than normal, they don’t run for very long. Unless it’s a 100-meter dash, the race will be very short and very boring, because you’ll wind up being the only runner who isn’t charred blacker than a poorly-grilled hot dog by the 30-second mark.
I’m pretty sure the dogs are real. There’s no definite way to tell anymore, and Purina has completely betrayed my confidence. If I had a dog I’d have some frame of reference, but I have neither dog nor dog food. If Purina would like to remedy this collapse in consumer confidence, then they should send 20 cases of their finest dog food to the Borderline Sociopathic Blog For Boys Headquarters — Oh, and maybe a couple dogs, too; I’ve always wanted to open a Taco Bell.
I’m Not Sure If This Is A Tribute To His HVAC Skills Or An Insult To Brahms. Either Way, I Love It
Now that’s a manly shop. It’s chock full of stuff, none of it of any use to a normal person. But what use do Borderline Sociopathic Boys have for normal people? I bet you could make any number of things from all that flotsam and jetsam that could put your eye out. Or in this case, an eardrum.
We also approve of the vest. It’s to hold in all the awesome, natch.
It’s A Lot Easier To Just Tell Your Kids That The Tooth Fairy Was Hit By A Bus
Kids just want dad to read them a story and get them a glass of water.Is that good enough for a dad? Hell no. Every demand on dad’s attention, no matter how trivial, must be met by an insane outlay of time, effort, and money until you achieve some bizarre jumbotron-wedding-proposal-grade reaction from your target audience.
Your wife told you to sneak a quarter under the kid’s pillow, so you of course spent eight hundred dollars and expended two hundred man-hours to do it. She can’t help but notice that the kid still just ended up with some change, and the towel bar she’s been asking you to hang in the bathroom is still in the package, four years after you moved into your house.
Towels dry faster when they’re on the floor, anyway.