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Category: robot

“I Seriously Tried To Win, And Now I Feel Ashamed”

“I Seriously Tried To Win, And Now I Feel Ashamed”

(Warning: some phallus-like objects present in the video)

The Japanese are a wonderfully weird bunch. It can be difficult to find tentacle-free videos, but this is one of the few instances where they’re not being creepy while maintaining a ludicrous level of fun. I mean, after a while a penis-robot showed up, but they were really good about not having anything too weird for the rest of the video. You can’t fault them for having a single phallus-bot; they’re Japanese for poop’s sake. You’ve got to give them one chance to get really out there or things will start to get seriously strange. That’s when the schoolgirls in French maid outfits start to appear. I’m not complaining about that part, it’s everything that happens after they show up that bothers me. I’ve seen enough Japanese videos to know what happens.

If only robotics classes and science fairs were as engaging, fun, and interesting as this. Not caring, completely half-assing all the work, and getting wasted makes everything better, but it noticeably improves robotics. Now you don’t have to pretend to like somebody’s robot that looks like crap and doesn’t do anything. Everyone can celebrate their collective crappiness without getting too caught up in giving out medals for trying, because we can safely say that no one tried.

I’ve Seen Enough Terminator To Know Where This Is Going

I’ve Seen Enough Terminator To Know Where This Is Going


Did they even watch the movies? Jeesh, it’s like they’re begging to be enslaved by quadrupeds. I mean, look at that thing. It’s 50 percent indestructible future-metal, 50 percent Arnold Swartzenegger fever dream, and 100 percent terrifying. A few brave souls tried to knock it over, but it can’t be stopped. I imagine that they were eviscerated as soon as the cameras stopped rolling, because the T-K9000 has no time for dissidents.

I don’t think our little robot friend is capable of bringing on the end of the world as we know it, but it’s getting a bit too close for comfort. If I ever see one of these running down my street I’m going to shoot first, and shoot again later just to be sure. I don’t know what it would be doing on my street in the first place, which is even more of  a reason to shoot it on sight. The darn thing is obviously up to no good.

As soon as someone figures out that you can mount laser cannons to this thing and use it as a robot attack dog humanity is finished. Spot many only be about 3 percent as vicious as the average pitbull, but a pitbull won’t silently stalk you for hours before killing you and stealing your clothes. It might only have a battery life of ten minutes, but don’t worry — Spot’s programmed to play Arnold saying “I’ll be back.” on a loop until he fully recharges.

Robots To Replace Wives Entirely By The Year 2020

Robots To Replace Wives Entirely By The Year 2020


First we invented the wheel. Then a bunch of stuff happened and we decided to drop everything and go to the Moon. Naturally, there were some important bits in-between the wheel and the Moon landing, but it’s all inconsequential. Two major events with a bunch of stuff in-between is how humans function. We like to look at the big picture instead of mucking about with all the details.

Here’s another example: first we discovered that beating your neighbors to death with a rock is much more efficient that using your bare hands, and then we invented ballistic missiles. Again, there was some folderol in-between, but who’s interested in that stuff? What are you some kind of nerd? Beer and missiles are the only human inventions that matter. If it doesn’t have something to do with missiles or beer-pouring robots, I don’t want to hear about it.

“But, Charlie…” you might say,

“What about penicillin, the compass, irrigation — Zima? Aren’t those major achievements as well?”

First of all, I don’t know where you’re getting these ludicrous ideas, but it’s got to stop. None of those things involve missiles in any way, shape, or form, so I’d prefer it if you never mention them in my company again. Implying that penicillin is on the same level as Zima is absolutely shameful.

The Japanese: What Won’t They Turn Into A Robot?

The Japanese: What Won’t They Turn Into A Robot?

I don’t think they should go any further with this robotics business, I’ve seen the majority of Terminator Two and I’m pretty sure I know what comes after robot trashcans. The trashcans and the Roombas start colluding, conspiring, and other nasty words. Then you wake up one day to find your floors are all dirty, and there’s trash everywhere because the robots have revolted and taken control of the downstairs bathroom. Now you have to sweep the floors yourself like some kind of animal, and you can only use the upstairs bathroom. I mean, what if you have guests over and multiple people want to use the bathroom at once? Where will you be then?

I say, the sooner we go back to hiring street urchins to do our bidding the better. At least guttersnipes will simply try to smother you in your sleep instead of embarrass you in front of your friends and family.