I’m not a big fan of racing. I’ve never been very invested in races of any kind. I’ve seen NASCAR, Formula 1, Hydroplane Racing, rally racing, horse racing, dog racing, snail racing, homeless people racing; you name it, I’ve seen it. None of those races ever had me on the edge of my seat. I usually can’t pay attention to them for more than a few minutes without immediately falling asleep, but this race is different. The moment I saw that red marble, I was hooked.
Here’s all the nonlethal crashes from a variety of different races at the Nurburgring. Now you don’t need to pretend to like racing to see the crashes. You don’t need to watch a minute of actual racing to get to the juicy bits. All the juicy bits have been arranged here for your viewing pleasure — you’re welcome.
I like the crashes where they’re driving their mother’s hatchback in a straight line, and then somehow manage to spin out. All the ones with real race cars are good too, but there’s a certain charm to watching a Fiat Panda go careening into a wall. To be honest, the smaller the car, the more entertaining I find its demise. Along with that, I love when they’re not going very fast. It takes skill to completely oversteer and spin out when you’re going 10 MPH. Don’t even get me started on the motorcycles. Watching someone take a nasty spill off a slow-moving motorcycle fills me with childish glee
Normally, I’d say that there is something deeply wrong with me, but I know that everyone wants to watch crashes just as much as I do. It’s revenge for every time a car drove by your house at 2 AM, going 120 MPH, and blasting crap music. It’s a great way to let out all your pent up aggression. The same concept works for a lot of different things. After this I’m going to go watch a montage of Gordon Ramsey screaming at amateur chefs because I went to a restaurant once and my steak arrived a bit cold. Justice is served and karmic balance is restored to the universe.
I really don’t know what all the hubbub is about; this is what the average run to the corner store for milk, cigarettes, and porn looks like when I’m driving. I typically crash a lot more than he did, I won’t give them the satisfaction of impressing a mildly pretentious jerk who lives in his Mom’s basement and eats Chef Boyardee ravioli out of a can while sitting semi-nude, basking in the warm glow of his CRT monitor. I think my problem is that I don’t have someone shouting instructions into my ear before every turn. When my Mom comes along she gives me pointers like “Watch out for that tree!” and “Slow down, you psychotic little cretin.”, but I don’t think those are the same as real racing instructions.
To be honest I think we’d both be better off if we didn’t have anyone barking instructions at us to begin with. It’s not like they mean anything, anyways. When you’re going over a hill, sideways at 90 MPH, who has time to figure out what “55 triple left hook; steady straight 300, 22, 88.” means? At that point, I’d be a lot more concerned with avoiding that nasty patch of spectators and trees in front of me than skirting some bushes half a mile up the road.
I don’t understand, why are they turning right? They seem to be making a slight left turn first and then a right; why are they doing that? I can’t think of any reasonable explanation for why they make both left and right turns. I know the Europeans do some weird stuff, but a track with multiple different turning directions is absurd. I mean, they call soccer football, and football American football, but this is crossing the line. They’re breaking international laws of some kind. We sorted this all out after we curb-stomped Fritz in WWI. No more large armies, no more invading France for giggles, and no right turns.
If I wasn’t so appalled by their lack of respect for everything good in the world I’d almost be impressed. They are going awful fast, and I like things that go fast. If right turns weren’t a crime against man and nature I’d say F1 racing was pretty darn cool. I’d like to see those babies make a few more left turns, though. Get them on a proper speedway, and then we’ll talk. I bet they’d really like the bits where they turn left, those are my favorite.