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Category: movies

The Wizard of Oz 2: The Reckoning

The Wizard of Oz 2: The Reckoning

This time it’s personal.

If your movie ad doesn’t start with a gravelly voiced man saying “In a world where…”, then I don’t want to see it.

Even if it’s a children’s movie or a rom-com, it needs to strictly adhere to the format. I don’t care if it’s starring the damn Care Bears. Hollywood has lost the knack. We need to band together to get the movie industry back on track. No more lame, tame, safe movies with timid trailers. I want hard hitting trailers, about hardcore movies, overdubbed by chain-smokers.

KHAN! Sorry, I Meant KANE

KHAN! Sorry, I Meant KANE


Sorry for the mix-up, I have Star Trek on the brain at the moment.

Citizen Kane is all well and good, but I don’t think anything can compare to the entertainment I derive from watching old Star Trek. William Shatner’s acting, mixed with ludicrous writing just gives me the giggles. I’m not trying to compare the merits of one of the greatest films of all time with one of the greatest — er, well, alrightest TV shows of all time. Even alrightest is a bit of a stretch. More like, the most somewhat watchable shows of all time. I’m not trying to compare the two, because that would be silly.

What I’m trying to do is stress that Star Trek is inherently superior. Not because of the acting, or the filmography, or the special effects, or the production values, because we all know Star Trek hasn’t got any of those. What Star Trek has is charm — and it’s wonderfully terrible. It’s like your toddler’s drawings: they aren’t Monet, but no one is expecting them to be. It’s so bad it’s good. Star Trek is borderline unwatchable, but that makes it immensely compelling. It’s like a wonderful technicolor train wreck. Citizen Kane is simply a really good movie. Really good movies are great if you’re an android who has no concept of fun. For the rest of us, there’s Star Trek.

Come on — at the end of the day you’re always going to pick Captain Kirk fighting a Gorn in a spangly leotard over Orson Welles and his sled fetish.

No Evil Space Robots Were Harmed In The Making Of This Film

No Evil Space Robots Were Harmed In The Making Of This Film

I find it genuinely funny to think that the majority of the movies currently in theaters have little or no real-world content, as almost every sequence is generated using digital manipulation and satanic devil-magic ones and zeroes. No matter how many computers you use, they’re still just cartoons. It won’t be long until the programs look so realistic that everyone will be animated for the sake of convenience. Tom Cruise can only make so many action films before directors get tired of him hogging all the avocado smoothies, and absolutely ruining the bathroom every time he needs to take a turbo dump. At least you can generate his features from a safe distance, so animators won’t actually have to look him in the eye or talk to him the way someone would on set.

I’m not saying that any of this is a bad thing, but it’s important that we don’t let the appeal of having a massive Michael Bay-esque orgy of explosions draw attention away from the lackluster plot and acting. A movie should be judged on the merit of its terrible B-list actors, not the overwhelming amount of lens flares in each shot. Without their fancy effects their movie would be about twenty minutes long and consist of one closeup shot of the female protagonist’s — er — talent.

If the directors were smart they wouldn’t need any of the fancy explosions; they’d simply remake Italian Spiderman every year until the sun collapsed in on itself and engulfed our little corner of the universe in a glorious ball of cleansing fire.

The Quest For Poliziotto Superpiù

The Quest For Poliziotto Superpiù

I don’t know who or what Super Fuzz is, but he’s sorta my hero. It’s hard to look cool in the electric chair, but somehow, he manages it. I mean, c’mon, he even puts on his trucker cap like a boss . But who is he? I need to know what on Earth is happening, and I need to know now.

I went to the local library and asked them if they had anything on Super Fuzz, but they said that if I wasn’t going to buy anything I would be escorted out. Technically, the magazine rack at Walmart doesn’t count as a library, but I felt they were a little brusque. Frustrated, I went downtown to the hall of records. They told me they really don’t carry those sorts of records. They said the music was piped in from somewhere, they weren’t exactly sure how it worked, but an instrumental version of Lady in Red got played most days, which was nice.

The intertunnel, who always knows and always watches, says:

Super Fuzz or Poliziotto superpiù is an Italian comedy film about Dave Speed, a bumbling Miami police officer who gains super powers through accidental nuclear exposure.

That’s only a hint of a scintilla of a clue, really. I need to know where I can subscribe to his newsletter, buy his VHS tapes, and where to attend his TED talk.  I’ll keep hunting around and let you know what I find out. In the meantime, I’m going to go expose myself to nuclear radiation. I don’t know if deliberate nuclear exposure is as good as accidental nuclear exposure, but it’s worth a try.