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Category: Mashups I Wish I’d Made

I Do Not Want One Of These

I Do Not Want One Of These

You should know me pretty well by now. I’ve been writing on this webpage since forever. If you’ve been paying attention, even a little bit, you’d know that there’s no way I’d want one of these.

No, I don’t want one of these. I want more than one of these. I want, very badly, to have a squadron of these. A flotte of these. An entire air force of these. I want to start a navy, too, and build aircraft carriers to launch even more of these. I want to build a replica White House, just so I can appoint a Secretary of War and tell him to buy more of these, every day. And get out of here with that “Secretary of Defense” nonsense. It’s War, capital W war, red in tooth and claw, buddy.

No, I do not want one of these.

[Thanks to our friend Gerard at American Digest, who no doubt wants two of these, for sending that along]

The Only Difference Between This And Real Golf On TV Is That I’d Watch The Hell Out Of This

The Only Difference Between This And Real Golf On TV Is That I’d Watch The Hell Out Of This


Admit it. The only reason to watch golf on TV is to see good weather. Well, it used to be, but even that doesn’t apply anymore. There’s too much money involved, so they play in crappy weather now, too. Bah.

Personally, I think this video shows us the way to make golf interesting as a spectator sport. It’s great, of course, but it doesn’t go far enough. Then again, people like me don’t think Attila the Hun went far enough, so take that into consideration. But anyway, you could make golf much more compelling as a spectator sport by using one simple trick: Add defense.

That’s right. Why let people just futz around and aim and talk to a flunkey and test the breeze and polish their balls while they leave quarters all over the green? First of all, we pave that green. Throw away half the clubs and put baseball bats and vuvuzelas and BB guns in there instead. Anything goes. I don’t want flabby guys that look like TV weathermen putting and tipping their cap anymore. I want a cross between the Road Warrior and field hockey.

And yacht racing? Two words: deck guns.

[Thanks to the indispensable Charles Schneider for sending that one along]

Look, I Don’t Care How Super He Is, He’s Still Going To Get Bugs In His Teeth

Look, I Don’t Care How Super He Is, He’s Still Going To Get Bugs In His Teeth


Now, Superman’s super. That’s a given. I understand that. It’s right there in the name.

But the fellow has sketchy references, you have to admit. No one from around town can vouch for the fellow. No. Fixed. Address. He blows hot and cold, too; one minute he’s changing the Earth’s rotation, the next minute he’s just standing around while a freshman thug empties a revolver into him. Then –get this– when the malefactor is out of ammo, he throws the gun at this alleged Super man, and what does Superman do? He ducks! He ducks, mind you. Somewhataboveaverageman would be more like it, if you ask me.

(Thanks to Joan of Argghh for sending that one along)

Cameras Everywhere

Cameras Everywhere


The most transformational invention of the last twenty-five years has got to be high quality hyper-portable digital movie cameras. They went from showing you postage stamp size blurs to hi-def on your 50″ plasma in the blink of an eye. YouTube would be nothing without them. Hell, just Russian dash cameras justify whatever blood, sweat, and treasure went into developing them. And of course, cameras ruggedized to go most anywhere, like GoPros, means the most Sociopathic of Borderline Boys can shout HEY FELLAS, WATCH THIS, and still get it all on camera.

But dude, shouting underwater isn’t really going to help much.