Historically, young men have always had problems with hills. I’m not sure exactly what the problem is. A slight incline just makes them antsy. They keep trying to hurl themselves down them for one reason or another, and people keep trying to make videos out of it. It doesn’t really matter if the hill is covered with snow or pavement or grass or whatever. We’re heading down it as fast as we can manage.
No need to reinvent the wheel with incline videos, either. Gather up the young men and insert them in a van to get them all riled up. Play some brostep, or dubwop, or whatever, because they’re into that sort of thing. Then loose them on the countryside. Every once in a while flash a couple frames that show they’ve at least met a girl, and then boom: a Dolomites longboard video.
Then shortly afterward a blog post is made by some loser guy at a desk.
I don’t know who or what Super Fuzz is, but he’s sorta my hero. It’s hard to look cool in the electric chair, but somehow, he manages it. I mean, c’mon, he even puts on his trucker cap like a boss . But who is he? I need to know what on Earth is happening, and I need to know now.
I went to the local library and asked them if they had anything on Super Fuzz, but they said that if I wasn’t going to buy anything I would be escorted out. Technically, the magazine rack at Walmart doesn’t count as a library, but I felt they were a little brusque. Frustrated, I went downtown to the hall of records. They told me they really don’t carry those sorts of records. They said the music was piped in from somewhere, they weren’t exactly sure how it worked, but an instrumental version of Lady in Red got played most days, which was nice.
The intertunnel, who always knows and always watches, says:
Super Fuzz or Poliziotto superpiù is an Italian comedy film about Dave Speed, a bumbling Miami police officer who gains super powers through accidental nuclear exposure.
That’s only a hint of a scintilla of a clue, really. I need to know where I can subscribe to his newsletter, buy his VHS tapes, and where to attend his TED talk. I’ll keep hunting around and let you know what I find out. In the meantime, I’m going to go expose myself to nuclear radiation. I don’t know if deliberate nuclear exposure is as good as accidental nuclear exposure, but it’s worth a try.
Italians Covering A German Car With Chinese Gift Wrap
No matter how old you are, matchbox cars never go out of style. Whether you’re a little kid dipping them in wet sand, or an adult covering them with wrapping paper there are a million ways to customize your hot wheels. Even if you should know better.
While it’s an indisputable fact that the 2003 Ford Escape is the greatest automobile ever made, some people seem to have latched onto the idea that the Volksenegger Golf is anything more than a Burberry-soaked, chav-wagon. It’s driven by the sort of people who hang around parking lots after dark, so they can meet up with other Golf owners and murmur about their cheap body kits. I’m not just basing this on something I read on the Intertunnel, either. I’ve got cold, hard proof. I know three people in real life who own Volkswiffle Golfs, and they’re all tremendous arseholes. I know that all generalizations are false, but if you dive a Volkskraken Golf I’m going to avoid you at parties and say mean things about you when you leave the room.
Oh yeah, and they also did a really good job wrapping the car, or whatever.
Breathe In, Breathe Out; For The Love Of God Man, Breathe Out
I’ve never had a yoga — perhaps I should rephrase that: never have I ever yogad. Wait, that’s not right either. Yoga have never I? Well, you guys get the idea. I’m no expert, but I think he’s taking this breathing thing a bit too far. Unless of course he’s not yogaing. Err — yogalizing? Whatever, breathing isn’t everything. It’s all about bending your body into funny shapes to impress girls and frighten men. Or is that the other way around? I’m just guessing, I don’t know how to yogamatize and I don’t think I ever will.
One thing that I do know about is advertising. I don’t know what this guy is selling, or if he’s even selling anything, but I want ten of them and I want them now. I’ve been mesmerized by his magnificent hyper-pornstache, and I’m willing to pay an absolutely exorbitant price for anything he’s offering. I’m pretty sure that’s how Chester A. Arthur got elected, but I’ve been wrong before.
If you aren’t voting for presidential candidates based on their facial hair there’s something deeply wrong with you and you should seek medical help.