I’ve never had a yoga — perhaps I should rephrase that: never have I ever yogad. Wait, that’s not right either. Yoga have never I? Well, you guys get the idea. I’m no expert, but I think he’s taking this breathing thing a bit too far. Unless of course he’s not yogaing. Err — yogalizing? Whatever, breathing isn’t everything. It’s all about bending your body into funny shapes to impress girls and frighten men. Or is that the other way around? I’m just guessing, I don’t know how to yogamatize and I don’t think I ever will.

One thing that I do know about is advertising. I don’t know what this guy is selling, or if he’s even selling anything, but I want ten of them and I want them now. I’ve been mesmerized by his magnificent hyper-pornstache, and I’m willing to pay an absolutely exorbitant price for anything he’s offering. I’m pretty sure that’s how Chester A. Arthur got elected, but I’ve been wrong before.

If you aren’t voting for presidential candidates based on their facial hair there’s something deeply wrong with you and you should seek medical help.