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Category: farming

We Are Dairy Farmers We Believe In Nothing, Lebowski, Nothing

We Are Dairy Farmers We Believe In Nothing, Lebowski, Nothing

(Warning: enraged, indecipherable salty language)

People would rather drink Red Bull than drink milk, and that’s sad.

I don’t know why anyone would drink a Red Bull in the first place, but it still happens. Nothing is more satisfying to me than drinking a glass of cold milk. It’s like the feeling you get from eating an ice cream cone or running over a group of cyclists. The smell of blood-soaked spandex is the only thing that can compare to the scent of fresh milk.

When did we get to the point where people eschewed actual food in favor of mysterious canned liquids? I swear, a lot of people don’t want to drink milk because their parents told them to drink it twenty years ago and they’re still going through a rebellious phase. Get over it; drink your damn cow juices, eat your spinach, and get a haircut, you hippie.

Redneck Sprinkler 2014

Redneck Sprinkler 2014

[Warning: very salty language]

Bold, confident, innovative; these are just some of the words a businessman would use when talking about his company. But we here at Redneck Supplies LLC like to think we can say more interesting words about our company than any of our rivals. We’re just as enterprising, cocksure, and newfangled as our competitors, but at half the cost. We source all of our products from local entrepreneurs, cutting down on shipping costs, so we can bring you the best items for the lowest price.

I am proud to present the newest model from our award winning line of Redneck Sprinklers. As you can see from our live demonstration, the volunteer is not only rocked and rolled; he is thrown to the ground to be stomped and smushed at the user’s convenience.

So act now, so you and your loved ones can experience the wonder of our Redneck Sprinkler system. Now on sale for only forty-nine payments of $29.95.

[Many thanks to the indispensable Leon for sending this one along]

Well I See He Managed To Get His Shirt Off Vol.2

Well I See He Managed To Get His Shirt Off Vol.2

Ah, the sweet smell of agriculture in the morning. It’s a little known fact that hard rocking and farming have gone hand in hand for centuries. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “But Charlie, hard rock is so cool and farming is so lame. AC/DC and tractors don’t mix, and they never have.” Well that’s where you’re wrong.

Every piece of rock music can be played by a group of farmers with three teeth between them without making any alterations whatsoever to the music. Now why do you think that is? I have an answer that a lot of you may not very much care for. Rock music is just loud country music, and country music is just a polka. Thunderstruck is a polka. Are you catching what I’m flinging? Big brass tubas, accordions, and tiny trumpets; that type of polka.

Here are some other well known polkas:
Stairway To Heaven — polka
Smoke On The Water — polka
Back In Black — polka
Dream On — polka
Enter Sandman — polka
Sweet Child Of Mine — polka
Layla — polka
Crazy Train — polka
YYZ — polka
Hotel California — polka

Sultans Of Swing — polka

The list goes on, but you guys get the idea: if it can be played on a zither it’s probably a polka — Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

[A big thank you to Sam from Oregon for sending this along]