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Rexam: For When How It’s Made Just Isn’t Cutting It

Rexam: For When How It’s Made Just Isn’t Cutting It

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Have you ever looked at all the things around you and wondered: how did I manage to collect all of this crap? Who made this crap, and why? The sheer amount of objects we own is preposterous once you look at them individually. Somebody had to come up with all of this crap, design it, get the materials, make the crap, box it, send it out, receive it, store it, sell it by the truckload to a retailer, send it to the retailer, receive it again, store the crap again, put it on a shelf for a year until you come along, and then sell it to you for a couple bucks. Keep in mind that everything that you own or have ever touched has gone through that same process. That’s pretty cool, if I do say so myself. You don’t have to hew all of your furniture out of solid oak logs whenever you need a new dinette set. You simply go down to the store and buy one.

It’s the same process with food and other consumable items, which is completely mind-blowing for me. Let’s say you want a carrot. Well, the carrot is planted, fertilized, tended to, harvested, thrown on to the back of a flat-bed truck, brought to sorting facility, packaged, sent out to distributors, and sold to you, passing though the hands of over a dozen people on its way to your home. Then you take one of the carrots out of the package, rinse it off, dry it off, and then drop it onto your dirty kitchen floor — now it’s ruined.

Ask Not What GoPro Cameras Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do For GoPro Cameras

Ask Not What GoPro Cameras Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do For GoPro Cameras


The best ideas are the ones that can leave you in a flaming pile of bones and rubble at the bottom of a cliff, but don’t. If a plan can’t go spectacularly wrong, then it really isn’t worth doing. No risk leads to no reward, which leaves you with no fun. Of course, there are some things that I wouldn’t recommend doing. I wouldn’t jump off the Eiffel Tower wearing a home-made parachute, and I wouldn’t eat at Arby’s if you drove up to my house with a dump-truck full of 100-dollar bills. Some things are all risk, no reward, and in the case of Arby’s: prolonged, agonizing death. At least jumping off the Eiffel Tower will put you out of your misery quickly.

Personally, I probably wouldn’t have driven off the side of the mountain with a parachute duct-taped to my snowmobile, but to each their own. It went well, so I can’t judge — and if it didn’t go well I wouldn’t judge anyways, because that was some butt-puckering action. I know that Finland isn’t exactly the happiest place on Earth, but you’d think the Finns would have a greater sense of self-preservation.

I suppose driving a snowmobile off a cliff is a lot more appealing than living in a lot of places in Northern Europe, but surviving a stunt like this must be immensely disappointing because when you land you’re still in Finland.

That’s All Well And Good, But What Happens When He Punches You In The Face?

That’s All Well And Good, But What Happens When He Punches You In The Face?

My name is Rex, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of self defense that I developed over two season of fighting in the octagon. It’s called Rex Kwon Do!

At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times. Second off, you’re gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here? Take a look at what I’m wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I’m wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self respect. You think anybody thinks I’m a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it! Now, for only $300 you can sign up right now — for my eight-week program.

Or you can buy a bat-suit and let your friends beat the hell out of you for giggles.

Tinker Toys For The Aspiring Destroyer of Worlds

Tinker Toys For The Aspiring Destroyer of Worlds


I don’t know what game this is, but I want it. I want a copy for every single one of my friends, so we can all get together and plot the destruction of the Western World with our army of flaming, explosive-spewing super-tanks. I’ll insist on adding more cannons and spikes to our contraptions, so we have a Mad Max via Bismarck vibe. If the Germans can do one thing it’s generate a great nation-stomping vibe. What they do after they get that vibe going can be very controversial; they seem to have a history of flattening their neighbors whenever the mood takes them.

Theoretically, if we all wear leather pants and put spikes on everything our armies will be unstoppable. Well, our virtual armies. Real life is a lot harder. We’ll have to deal with the immense logistics of equipping troops with enough spikes to make Kaiser Wilhelm II blush without completely crippling our supply lines. In order to get an appropriate spike to troop ratio, daily rations need to be removed entirely. Food is a lot bulkier that you would expect, and spikes take top priority. To prevent mass starvation, I’ve devised a type of edible spike that can be worn, eaten, and used to impale enemies. A slightly frozen McChicken fashioned into the classic, spiky shape can do some serious damage. Hopefully, the smell of frosty fast food will distract the enemy long enough for my troops to get within impaling range. We didn’t have any room in the supply van for real weapons, so I’m afraid everyone gets a box of frozen McChickens and that’s about it. I plan on starting a new McDonald’s franchise in each city we take to finance our efforts and make the war worthwhile.

That is, if we ever get past our digital planning stages. I haven’t even gotten around to buying the game yet.