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Category: engineering

Suspect Is Armed And Dangerous, Approach With Caution Unless You Want A Nasty Paper Cut

Suspect Is Armed And Dangerous, Approach With Caution Unless You Want A Nasty Paper Cut

At least he’s doing something with his engineering degree.

There has to be some sort of military application for a gun that makes and shoots paper airplanes. An entire army equipped with paper-airplane guns would dominate the battlefield. I suspect that enemy troops would become so disoriented from the constant barrage of little pieces of paper they would throw down their weapons in disgust and go home. If that doesn’t cause them to flee their position in terror, we could start launching other papier-mâché eggs and small paper animals.

If that doesn’t work, we’ll break out the flamethrowers and then we’ll see how much they like being covered in paper airplanes.

We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Mattress

We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Mattress

I like hanging from the ceiling as much as the next guy, but he really needs a better system.

Suction cups were all the rage for quite a while, but like everything else I adore, they seem to have gone out of style. I assume the sickening fart and pop every time you moved a limb was just too much for people, but I didn’t mind at all. Suction cups were effective, darn it. Just because you turn into a giant, annoying, raspberry machine doesn’t mean the cups weren’t working. On the contrary, the juicier the sound the suction cups made, the more securely you were fastened to the wall.

The real question is: how am I supposed to fly to Las Vegas, scale the side of the Fontainebleau building, break in through a side window using only a piece of string and a slice of lemon, evade security using only my wits, deactivate several silent alarms, hack into the mainframe for poops and giggles and plant a virus in their computer system, abseil into the main gallery to avoid a thin layer of laser traps across the floor, steal the world’s third largest crystal geode, escape, and romance several down-and-out super models using magnets? I’d be shot on sight trying to get through airport security wearing those silly magnet shoes. At least with suction cups you can lie and say there’s something wrong with you, and you need to apply suction to various parts of you body or you’ll die. Try doing that with magnets, smart guy.

Two Barrels Are Better Than One

Two Barrels Are Better Than One

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Four barrels are most certainly better than two. The only way this could get any better is if the shooter could grow an extra pair of arms, so he could shoot another two pistols. Then you’d get eight rounds down range every trigger pull. Imagine how many targets you could hit with that. A lot, probably. I’m not too good at math, but I know that eight bullets means eight barrels, and eight is most certainly more than four. It stands to reason that more is better because there’s no way that it could be worse.

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A Cube, Inside A Cube, Inside A Cube — Cubeception

A Cube, Inside A Cube, Inside A Cube — Cubeception

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That’s pretty metal. Heavy metal, if you know what I mean. If you get what I’m saying. If you catch my drift. If you’re latching onto this tangent. If you’re picking up what I’m laying down. If you zingle-bopping this here lindy-ham.

I’m sorry about that, I promise it won’t happen again. In short, I wanted to express how impressed I was by the quality of this fellow’s cubes. I’m darn impressed. If I was his supervisor, I’d put a little check mark next to his name on my clipboard. I’d fire him last.

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