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Category: cyrillically challenged

In Soviet Russia: Airplane Flies YOU

In Soviet Russia: Airplane Flies YOU

(Note: activate annotations for the most entertaining subtitles of any YouTube video)

Vodka fixes everything — this is a fact. I know it’s a fact, and I will continue to shout it into the abyss that is the Intertunnel until the day I get bored and stop. The only reason that plane was able to land safely was because of the obscene amount of vodka that fellow brought in his carry-on bags. Without vodka there is chaos, so he probably just averted an international catastrophe of epic proportions.

A Russian cannot function unless he has a couple drinks in him, so vodka man was doing his fellow countrymen a great service. Unfortunately, you can only get so drunk off a simple bottle of vodka, which is why I think that Russians will stop drinking vodka altogether. Having it injected intravenously is a much better option

I Didn’t Know You Could Get That Loaded

I Didn’t Know You Could Get That Loaded

There must have been a pretty strong wind that day centralized in a three feet area around that one guy and his friend. It looks like it’s only about three in the afternoon, so I don’t know why they’re trying to go home so early, they have about another seven hours of drinking ahead of them. If they stayed in the bar they could have completely avoided the wind and everything would have been dandy. There’s nothing that another liter of vodka can’t fix.

I’ve watched so many YouTube videos over my lifetime I’m beginning to recognize patterns everywhere. We’ve essentially been watching the same five videos over and over again with slightly different music in the background. Example one:

Did I just blow your mind? Because I think I just blew my own mind.

How Many Russians Does It Take To Get A Cat Out Of A Tree?

How Many Russians Does It Take To Get A Cat Out Of A Tree?

(A note from the author: the video becomes even more ridiculous if you turn on the closed captioning.

That was a rhetorical question; unless there’s parkour involved, Russians aren’t allowed to film it. I don’t know the exact reason, but I do have a theory.

Every Russian is ingrained with the desire to crush capitalist pigs and free the proletariat from the shackles of the oppressive petite bourgeoisie, but 100 years of stacking bourgeoisie body parts in the basement of the Kremlin is tiring for anyone. Combine that with a national blood alcohol level of about 0.15 and the answer becomes clear. Throwing bottles and cans at a cat stuck in a tree is the last true Russian pastime that hasn’t been ruined by government. This is their one activity that they can turn to at the end of a long, hard day to cheer themselves up and forget that they’re living in Russia for a few, fleeting minutes.

I prefer to think of this footage as more of a documentary than a bizarre bit of folderol. This is probably the first and last look we will ever get into the underground world of Russian cat saving. Personally, I feel blessed.

Don’t Look Down Дмитрий

Don’t Look Down Дмитрий

Climbing in Kiev is a very tricky business.

Imagine clinging to a bridge that has been designed, built, and maintained Ukrainians. Now there’s a scary thought. You’re in a country that was called the Ukrainian Soviet Socialist Republic until 1991, and you’re trusting that the whole bridge isn’t about to collapse in on itself. That’s pretty hardcore, dude.

I’ve got to hand it to them though, those commies can pour concrete. They’ve got a fetish for the stuff. Never have I seen an entire nation so fascinated with creating architecture that’s almost as sullen as their weather. The only people who can pour concrete better than communists are the Romans, and they make everyone look like they’re playing around in a puddle of mud in front of a grass shack by comparison.