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Category: cyrillically challenged

Wet ‘N Wild Rostov: Under New Management…

Wet ‘N Wild Rostov: Under New Management…

… and proud to announce the fewest on-ride fatalities to date.

You can always rely on the Russians to show up on a slow day to supercharge everything with their bizarre antics. All things considered, this one is a bit tame compared the their usual shenanigans; nothing is on fire, and no one sustains any serious injuries. Don’t worry, everyone is loaded, so it doesn’t stray too far from the standard recipe for Russian viral videos.

If you’re not familiar with the standard recipe for Russian viral videos, you should be ashamed of yourself. Any self-respecting Internaut should know it by now. Take at least three Russians; add 12 servings of vodka per person; let them sit in a cold room for about an hour, so they can marinate thoroughly; then release them into the world and film the rest. Garnish with construction equipment if you feel like he mixture needs more pizazz.

There are some variations on the standard recipe that include high explosives and farm animals, but you aren’t guaranteed as many views if someone dies. Also, if you can’t get your hands on any genuine Russians, go down to the corner store and see if they have any Eastern Europeans. While they might have a slightly different consistency than genuine Russians, four out of five redditors can’t tell the difference.

On the other hand, if you tell a Russian that he’s no different than an Eastern European he’s not going to be happy. He’s going to be so unhappy that you might find yourself in the center of a Russian viral video.

With Friends Like These, Who Needs Friends?

With Friends Like These, Who Needs Friends?

I’ve always been very suspicious of virtual reality. I feel like we’ll reach a point where the virtual world is so much more appealing than real life that hordes of nerd with nothing better to do will populate entire online worlds and battle each other in massive online arenas. Oh wait — that’s already a thing. Well, the virtual reality will just make it easier for them to forget about feeding their pets, babies, and or grandparents. I don’t have any virtual reality goggles and I haven’t fed grandma in over a month. She seems to be subsisting by sucking the condensed moisture off her aluminum walker, but I don’t really check on her too often.

Before you accept virtual reality into your homes, think about grandma. Dear god, won’t somebody please think of the children? How many pets will have to resort to self-cannibalization before this menace will be stopped? What are you going to do when you find your terrier eating its own liver with a side of onions and a slice of lemon? Personally, I’m just going to serve whatever is left to grandma, and then go back to playing virtual women’s volleyball.

(Many thanks to the indispensable, indefensible,and inconceivable Charles Schneider for sending this one along)

Something Went Wrong, But I Can’t Quite Put My Finger On What

Something Went Wrong, But I Can’t Quite Put My Finger On What

I feel like he’s missing a few steps. There seems to have been a big disconnect between lifting, carrying, and placing the pallet. About a five foot disconnect to be exact. Someone forgot that gravity exists and doesn’t look kindly on people misusing shipping dollies.

I’d say he got like three feet of air that time, but I know for a fact he got like eight feet of air if you count the height of the truck. He just took a high jump into a concrete slab, and he looked great doing it. I don’t know too many people who can take a hit like that and get up afterwards. Well — get up and stagger around a bit afterwards.

Good Thing They Plugged It In; Otherwise It Wouldn’t Have Worked

Good Thing They Plugged It In; Otherwise It Wouldn’t Have Worked

Old Jake had cut firewood by hand with a swede saw for a living going on 50 years. He averaged about four cords a day. His son was home from college and watching him work remarked, “You could probably cut 10 times as much if you bought yourself a chainsaw.”

“Not interested in those new-fangled things,” Jake responded.

His son returned to college and Jake began to think that maybe the young guy was right; his old body seemed to ache more and more at the end of the day. So he went into town and bought a brand new top-of-the-line chainsaw.

The first couple days were not very productive–he only cut one cord each day. By the third day he had cut 3 cords but was dead tired. “This is not working,” he thought to himself, “My son said I would be able to cut 40 cords a day. I’m taking this stupid thing back.”

The next day he was in the hardware store complaining to the sales clerk about his chainsaw. “Blade seems a little dull, but not that bad. Let’s start it up,” the clerk muttered as he pulled the starting cord.

“What the hell is that noise?” Jake hollered.