There’s nothing wrong with giving your significant other little reminders about their personal hygiene. I’m not saying you should do anything drastic like waterboarding them with mouth wash until they agree to brush at least once a day, because I’m at least 50 percent sure that’s illegal in a few states. Tell them they’re a disgusting pig some other way that results in less screaming and crying.
I guess no matter what there’s going to be some degree of screaming and crying, which is why you need to be clever. Make her think that it’s her idea, and you might be able to get away with it. Otherwise you’ll be sleeping on the couch for the next century.
I have a long history of giving terrible Christmas gifts. I don’t get anything good in return, so I don’t feel too bad about it. Even Santa hasn’t given me anything good since Clinton was president, so I feel like it’s my duty to give equally terrible Christmas gifts to everyone I know. It’s not the right thing to do, but it feels so right.
Christmas is approaching like an old Buick going too fast down an ice-covered road. It rattles along like a freight train, and there will be hell to pay if you’re not prepared for it to rip off your wing mirror and send you careening into an embankment. If you’ve run out of ideas for Christmas presents, and you’re still a few presents short of an acceptable Christmas bundle, you should buy a copy of our Poorly Wrapped Christmas Album. It’s full of Christmasy goodness, even though Christmasy isn’t a real word. Believe me, it’s good stuff.