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Category: Christmas

Bartender, I’ll Have A Frosty Nord On The Rocks, Please

Bartender, I’ll Have A Frosty Nord On The Rocks, Please

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the fjord
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Nord
The vodka was placed by the lake bed with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas would soon be there

This is one of my favorite iterations of the classic Christmas poem. I feel like it really captures the three essentials of the season: ice, vodka, and tinsel. Coincidentally, ice, vodka, and tinsel are the main ingredients for a drink I like to whip up at parties called Mrs. Claus’s Tumbler Of Regret. It would be an absolute smash if I was old enough to drink, or I went to parties, or I was invited to parties, or if I knew anyone who threw the sort of parties that I would be invited to. But other than that, the drink’s a hit with everyone who’s tried it.

There Was An Attempt

There Was An Attempt

I would like to point out that he did indeed try his best, he gave 110 percent, and he left it all out there for everyone to see — but we live in the real world where leaving it all out there for everyone to see just gets you put on a list that says you can’t go within 100 yards of a school or Chuck E. Cheese’s.

Having to go door to door telling everyone you’re a pederast doesn’t sound very appealing to me, which is why I never put any effort into anything. It’s the only way to get anywhere in life. Let everyone else get branded as a todger-toucher while you sit back, relax, and reap the rewards of your unwillingness to do anything worthwhile — It’s a lot like being a politician.