Meep, meep! My name is Roadrunner, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of smashing skulls that I developed over two seasons of beating Wile E. Coyote to a bloody pulp. It’s called Roadrunner Kwon Do! After one week with me in my eight-week program, you’ll be prepared to kick ass with the strength of a grizzly crushing salmon ball-peen hammer, the reflexes of a cracked-out squirrel, and the wisdom of a roadrunner.
I think that I shall never see, a poem as lovely as a giraffe.
I think that’s how the poem goes — perhaps not. I never really paid attention in English class, I was preoccupied with throwing things at the teacher when she wasn’t looking. I’m a fan of giraffes. If they had a Facebook page I’d like it and leave a nice comment. Then I’d make an alternate Facebook account and bash giraffes, just so I can defend giraffes publicly to show my appreciation. Every aspect of the giraffe interests me because it all seems so horribly wrong. They’re something God made at the end of the sixth day when he was running out of parts and patience. You try creating the heavens and the Earth in six days without messing up a few times.
At least the bear has a bright future in IT if the Muppet Show ever tanks. He’s a natural. I worked at an IT call center for a while; then I started threatening to behead everyone who called. I was quickly relieved of my duties, but I’ll fondly remember my three days of gainful employment. As you can imagine I never had the patience. I don’t suffer fools gladly, and fools call the police on me often. It’s not a good combination when you have to interface with humans every day. On the other hand, the bear seems like he can handle anything.
People need to be more careful, the pandas appear to be coordinating their attacks and going for vital organs. The guy in the video fought valiantly, but I’m sure they left out the part where he was disemboweled and eaten at the end.
Okay, I admit it: pandas aren’t the most vicious bunch. But they have bear in their name for poop’s sake. Being called a panda bear is so misleading; it’s like making a Smith & Wesson baby stroller or an Abrams throw pillow. You’d think that with a name like panda bear they’d rip someone’s face off every once and a while or eat a hiker or two. I mean, come on, koala bears are more threatening and they’re twice as cuddly.
I wouldn’t try to hug a koala bear, though — they’re just as bloodthirsty as everything else in Australia and they won’t hesitate to bite your face off and wear it like a fleshy Halloween mask.