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Category: animals

Chicks Dig Guys With Moose Repelling Skills

Chicks Dig Guys With Moose Repelling Skills

When it comes to man versus nature, man wins, and he’s been winning for the last 4,000 years or so. Nature really should throw in the towel at this point. She doing her best, but it’s not like she can hurt us much. We turn every animal she sends our way into a throw rug or a rotisserie dish. All the seasons are vaguely enjoyable if you have a snow shovel, skis, and/or air conditioning. Your average pestilence just makes us buy window screens at this point. The crust of the planet needs to crack open, with red hot lava bubbling up, to even get a reaction out of us anymore.

To be honest nature never stood a chance with competition like us around. Humans are quick-witted, adventurous, and supremely gifted in the opposable thumb department. Give a fully grown man a club and he can conquer the world. Give him a six pack and he can conquer the living room. Give him a stable internet connection and he can look at sketchy videos of scantily clad women all day without tiring. Give him an iron bar, and it’s goodbye moosie.

Pancho and Lefty

Pancho and Lefty

I’ve never been fond of dogs. I don’t dislike them exactly, but I don’t like them. You’re never supposed to trust a man who doesn’t like dogs and I would have to agree. I’m not very good company under the best circumstances, and hard times bring out the worst in me. Dogs can also put a damper on my mood.

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Meep Meep!

Meep Meep!

[Warning: some salty roadrunner language]

Meep, meep! My name is Roadrunner, and if you study with my eight-week program you will learn a system of smashing skulls that I developed over two seasons of beating Wile E. Coyote to a bloody pulp. It’s called Roadrunner Kwon Do! After one week with me in my eight-week program, you’ll be prepared to kick ass with the strength of a grizzly crushing salmon ball-peen hammer, the reflexes of a cracked-out squirrel, and the wisdom of a roadrunner.

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