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Category: advertising

I Completely Understand What’s Happening

I Completely Understand What’s Happening


I lied, I don’t understand. I’m sorry, I just wanted to look like one of the cool kids. Nothing the Japanese do makes sense to me. Everything is wrong, and unholy, and what on Earth have they done to Tommy Lee Jones? He used to be in big-time movies, now he’s an extra in ads for tentacles or whatever. I’m not even sure of what they’re selling and I really don’t want to know. I have enough trouble deciphering American ads. I have no shot when the main character is a dog talking about Tommy Lee Jones’ eyebrows while saying he’s their alien housekeeper. Commercials for pickup trucks confuse me; this blows my mind out of my ears and then expects me to understand the finer points of quantum mechanics.

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Bottled Warter: It’s Got Electrolytes N’ Stuff

Bottled Warter: It’s Got Electrolytes N’ Stuff


I have never wanted anything more than I’ve wanted that bottle of warter. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know what it does, but I want it now. I want to bathe in it if I he’ll give me enough bottles. If I could cover myself in warter, I think I’d die a happy man.

Unfortunately warter is rather hard to find online. I’ve had similar trouble finding malk and other bizarre beverages. Luckily, you can always buy Brawndo: the thirst mutilator. Brawndo is the only energy drink that I would ever imbibe. It’s got what my body craves.Brawndo makes Redbull look like skim milk. It makes Monster look like a can of sugar-free lemonade. It makes Rockstar look like a decaf, mocha-frappe with extra foam on top. Brawndo is the drink of champions — It’s got electrolytes.

It Has An — Unusual Flavor

It Has An — Unusual Flavor


Famous actors have a long history of getting completely blitzed and accidentally appearing in wine ads. Believe me, no one appears in a wine ad on purpose. Even if you drove up to Orson Welles’ house with a dump truck full of money he would be hesitant to show up. The only reason he’s in this ad is because he’s on the tail-end of a three-week bender. If he blew into a breathalyzer it’d show up as yes.

There have been times when sober actors have appeared in wine ads, but they didn’t want to be there either. James Mason looks like he’s being held at gunpoint in the lobby of a Motel 6. You can tell that he’s holding back tears as the producer motions for him to take a sip at the end. There’s only so much you can make a man do under duress, but no power on this planet can compel James Mason to drink Thunderbird wine.

Orson Welles, on the other hand, carries a bottle of Thunderbird wine on his person at all times.

Still Better Than Arby’s

Still Better Than Arby’s


The hamburger is one of the greatest inventions in the history of ever. It combines the power of the ham with the delightful taste of the burger to make a unique dish. You can eat hamburgers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner as long as you don’t mind pooping pure awesomeness — and blood. People who try to alter the fundamental form of the hamburger by adding vegetables or removing the ham part entirely, are completely out of their minds. It’s called a hamburger for a reason. A pizza without cheese and dough is just tomato sauce on a cardboard cutout. A Twinkie without nuclear-waste filling is just the worst diet shortcake in existence. A hamburger without ham is the most depressing sandwich imaginable. If you want to add vegetables to it you’re going against the way god and nature intended, and you should be shunned by polite society.

A hamburger is a big slice of meat, covered in cheese, and dipped in bacon. If you’re feeling really adventurous you can try adding ketchup, but I wouldn’t bother. Any condiments take away from the taste of pure manliness. If you want a vegetarian option, you’re out of luck. We only serve meat here. We’d get rid of the buns and sandwich the patty between two slightly larger patties if it didn’t cause contact blood clots.