I lied, I don’t understand. I’m sorry, I just wanted to look like one of the cool kids. Nothing the Japanese do makes sense to me. Everything is wrong, and unholy, and what on Earth have they done to Tommy Lee Jones? He used to be in big-time movies, now he’s an extra in ads for tentacles or whatever. I’m not even sure of what they’re selling and I really don’t want to know. I have enough trouble deciphering American ads. I have no shot when the main character is a dog talking about Tommy Lee Jones’ eyebrows while saying he’s their alien housekeeper. Commercials for pickup trucks confuse me; this blows my mind out of my ears and then expects me to understand the finer points of quantum mechanics.

It might simply be a cultural difference, but I don’t buy it. Ads are getting very strange these days and they don’t seem to be getting much better. I miss how you used to know what the company was trying to sell. Now every ad is like a David Lynch fever dream on speed. If I wanted to be scared and confused I’d take dance class or try to use a woman’s public restroom. When I’m watching TV I want to be bombarded with good vibes that don’t require me to think or form proper sentences when describing them, which is why I love the History Channel. They haven’t offered anything stimulating for their viewership since the mid-90s.