Move over, sliced bread. Internal combustion engine? Pffffft. Child’s play. Moon landings? Baby steps. This invention, whatever it’s called, is undoubtedly the most brilliant device of the 21st century, and most likely several portions of the 22nd. If I could afford one, I’d use it all the time. I’d find reasons to squirt ketchup on counters. I’d devise strategies for mustarding flat surfaces everywhere. I’d make up more reasons to scoop up condiments than an iPhone user looking for apps to try to keep their phones amused. At home, in the car, at the office, you name it. I told all my friends about this magical device. They generally say to me, “Why not stop squirting condiments all over everything instead?”

I know, right? That’s crazy talk.