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Category: inventions

Great for When You Squirt Ketchup Onto a Perfectly Flat Surface

Great for When You Squirt Ketchup Onto a Perfectly Flat Surface

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Move over, sliced bread. Internal combustion engine? Pffffft. Child’s play. Moon landings? Baby steps. This invention, whatever it’s called, is undoubtedly the most brilliant device of the 21st century, and most likely several portions of the 22nd. If I could afford one, I’d use it all the time. I’d find reasons to squirt ketchup on counters. I’d devise strategies for mustarding flat surfaces everywhere. I’d make up more reasons to scoop up condiments than an iPhone user looking for apps to try to keep their phones amused. At home, in the car, at the office, you name it. I told all my friends about this magical device. They generally say to me, “Why not stop squirting condiments all over everything instead?”

I know, right? That’s crazy talk.

We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Mattress

We’re Gonna Need A Bigger Mattress

I like hanging from the ceiling as much as the next guy, but he really needs a better system.

Suction cups were all the rage for quite a while, but like everything else I adore, they seem to have gone out of style. I assume the sickening fart and pop every time you moved a limb was just too much for people, but I didn’t mind at all. Suction cups were effective, darn it. Just because you turn into a giant, annoying, raspberry machine doesn’t mean the cups weren’t working. On the contrary, the juicier the sound the suction cups made, the more securely you were fastened to the wall.

The real question is: how am I supposed to fly to Las Vegas, scale the side of the Fontainebleau building, break in through a side window using only a piece of string and a slice of lemon, evade security using only my wits, deactivate several silent alarms, hack into the mainframe for poops and giggles and plant a virus in their computer system, abseil into the main gallery to avoid a thin layer of laser traps across the floor, steal the world’s third largest crystal geode, escape, and romance several down-and-out super models using magnets? I’d be shot on sight trying to get through airport security wearing those silly magnet shoes. At least with suction cups you can lie and say there’s something wrong with you, and you need to apply suction to various parts of you body or you’ll die. Try doing that with magnets, smart guy.