That’s right folks, there’s close to 28 minutes of this. I think I can safely make fun of this without the fear of any backlash from the musical community. I’ve been told that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all art is subjective, but come on, fellas. You can do better than this. I feel like a million angry bees are trying to burrow into my brain as my alarm clock eats me alive while the entire world disintegrates. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but can you tone it down a little? You’re at about a ten — I need you at a four. You fellas make Philip Glass look like Ke$ha.

This might be a shock to many of you, but I was in an orchestra just like this one once. We were known only as the Minneapolis Art Orchestra, and we were three times as bad as the fellows in the video. They all seem to know how to play their instruments, we didn’t. Despite our obvious lack of musicianship, skill, financing, and personnel, we still managed to sell out the Minneapolis opera house every night for ten months straight. There’s very little to do in Minnesota during the winter, so we lucked out.

Every night we’d go on stage, tune up our instruments, and then start blazing away for about a hour-and-a-half. I don’t know what we played, but it was always terrible. Nothing was written down, we’d just sort of go for it. I’m not sure what it was, but it was in there somewhere.

One night, I decided that I wanted to shake things up a bit, so I went to a little music shop down the street to pick up some new instruments for the boys in the band. I noticed that the audience was getting a bit restless the night before, so I thought maybe a little variation would spice things up. I went into the shop and immediately saw two of the most beautiful instruments I’d ever laid eyes on: a bright red trumpet, and a large, black accordion. I went up the the store clerk and demanded that he sell me the instruments.

At first he didn’t know what I was referring to, so I had to guide him to the two instruments located near the front door. He looked at the instruments for a while, then at me, and then back at the instruments. At first he said that neither of them for sale, but I immediately offered to pay him double their regular price. I could tell that he was starting to crack under the pressure, so I offered him two free tickets to tonight’s show to sweeten the deal.

The store clerk gave me a rather uncertain look, and then said, “Okay, it’s a deal, but only on one condition. You can take the fire extinguisher, but you have to bring the radiator back tomorrow.”