I’ve always had a certain fondness for Canada and its inhabitants. They’re a friendly bunch and I can appreciate that. If you’re always friendly and happy, people will start to think there’s something wrong with you and avoid you at parties, which is preferred over actually talking to anyone at said party.

The friendliness also lends an air of mystery, because you never know what lurks behind that smile. Maybe they don’t actually like hockey that much, and it’s all a ruse. What if we’re being taken on a ruse cruise by the entire country of Canada? I’m not sure what they’d actually accomplish by projecting a positive demeanor, but stranger things have happened. Maybe they’re trying to hide all the death camps in Manitoba where they send people without health insurance to work in the maple syrup mines.

Whatever you do, don’t refer to Canada as America’s hat — they get all pissy about that. Always refer to America as Canada’s shirt, and Mexico as Canada’s pants.