Okay class, settle down. Open your books up to page eight hundred and three, and we will begin today’s lesson: How To Talk To Girls, Part One – By Dr. Professor Charlie Maine, P.H.D, M.D, A.D.D.

If you’re on your first date never look a woman in the eye. The eyes are windows to the soul, and a woman will bust out your metaphysical windows with her Jimmy Choo shoe and suck out your soul through your eye sockets if you let her. Soul stealing is more of a second or third date activity, so try to put it off as long as possible. It’s like second base for chicks.

When you first meet a woman try to impress her, but don’t overdo it. If you seem too cool she’ll have very high expectations of you, and that’s the absolute last thing you want. If anything, try to set her expectations as low as possible without making yourself seem so lame-o that she tries to find someone better. Yeah, like there’s someone better, honey.

The best way to lower her expectations is to talk about sports in a manner that suggests you have an actual affinity for mindlessly chasing a ball of some sort, not simply as a way to excuse yourself from all social obligations and make your way to a pub with a TV in the corner. As women have no interest in sports — except ice dancing, and bloodsports like making catty remarks about red-carpet dresses — they will set their brain to autopilot mode and allow you to jabber on about whatever you like for the rest of the evening.

Warning: do not attempt to look a woman in the eye while talking about sports. This will result in instant paralysis, headaches, back aches, and sometimes death. And you’ll miss third down.