Dating is a tricky, dangerous business. Tricky because it’s more sophisticated and difficult that Chinese calculus, and dangerous because women are usually involved. Guys act really weird when trying to attract the attention of the opposite gender. Take this video for example: those guys are trying everything they can think of to look appealing when they’d be much better off sitting completely still for three minutes and staring into the camera. From that footage alone a woman can tell if they want you or not. Trust me, saying anything will significantly reduce your chances of actually finding anyone.
When I go out on a date or I’m trying to flirt with someone, I usually only say about four words: hi, bye, and check, please. If she asks me any questions I either nod or grunt to answer. I’m told that I’m a very good listener. Every once in a while our eyes meet, but even then I don’t say anything, or smile, or give any indication of how I’m feeling. These simple methods have worked supremely well for me — none of my dates have ever called me back for another date.
I think I might have the wrong attitude for dating, but I like eating at restaurants and I don’t like to go alone. Normally, I’d just hire working girls to go out to dinner with me, but there are tons of women who will eat with you for free.
Okay class, settle down. Open your books up to page eight hundred and three, and we will begin today’s lesson: How To Talk To Girls, Part One – By Dr. Professor Charlie Maine, P.H.D, M.D, A.D.D.
If you’re on your first date never look a woman in the eye. The eyes are windows to the soul, and a woman will bust out your metaphysical windows with her Jimmy Choo shoe and suck out your soul through your eye sockets if you let her. Soul stealing is more of a second or third date activity, so try to put it off as long as possible. It’s like second base for chicks.
When you first meet a woman try to impress her, but don’t overdo it. If you seem too cool she’ll have very high expectations of you, and that’s the absolute last thing you want. If anything, try to set her expectations as low as possible without making yourself seem so lame-o that she tries to find someone better. Yeah, like there’s someone better, honey.
The best way to lower her expectations is to talk about sports in a manner that suggests you have an actual affinity for mindlessly chasing a ball of some sort, not simply as a way to excuse yourself from all social obligations and make your way to a pub with a TV in the corner. As women have no interest in sports — except ice dancing, and bloodsports like making catty remarks about red-carpet dresses — they will set their brain to autopilot mode and allow you to jabber on about whatever you like for the rest of the evening.
Warning: do not attempt to look a woman in the eye while talking about sports. This will result in instant paralysis, headaches, back aches, and sometimes death. And you’ll miss third down.
Sooner Or Later, We’re Going To Have To Act Somewhat Adult-ish
Let’s face facts, lads. Sooner or later we’re going to have to grow up.
No, no — no use in whining. We’ll have to put the supersoakers filled with lighter fluid and rigged with a Zippo up on the shelf. That go-kart you put the Hayabusa motor on will need to be parked in the garage next to the leaf blower you made from a jet engine. You’re going to have to store all your serrated steel frisbees in that barrel you used to go over the falls. It’s time to be a man.
We must procreate. I realize you’ve been making the bouncy-bouncy like a lab rat on crack for quite some time, but sooner or later it’s got to matter. It’s minivan time. Time to extend the line, before you hit the wall. This fellow in the video has the right idea. Time to get domestic.
Besides, if you have a little kid with you in Toys R Us, you can buy twice as many LEGO sets without people looking at you funny.
(Thanks to Brian Erb for sending that one along)
Attention: This Is Not The Proper Way To Test Bulletproof Glass