In a Cave. With a Box of Scraps. Yada Yada Yada

In a Cave. With a Box of Scraps. Yada Yada Yada

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Well, you have to admit, that’s a really nice looking cave. Everyone is dressed real nice, and someone is obviously sweeping up after hours. There were very few stalagmites, or stalactites, I forget which is which. There’s very little general gloominess, which kills the mood. Nothing was flickering. Without something flickering, how are you going to get the proper cave vibe? I searched in vain for a filthy, half-starved genius using a mismatched assortment of rusty tanks to feed a sparking acetylene torch, but all I saw was a nicely dressed young woman with several glue guns on a conference room table.

Oh well, let’s not quibble. At least it got off the ground. As a means of getting around, the whole suit seemed less than ideal, however. But think of the grilled cheese sandwiches you could make with those nozzles! You know, if someone put the cheese on the bread for you, because your hands are covered in nozzles.

It’s Not The Fall That Kills You, It’s The Sudden Stop At The End

It’s Not The Fall That Kills You, It’s The Sudden Stop At The End

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It takes a certain kind of man to fall elegantly. It’s even harder to land gracefully. That’s why we are currently holding our 2019 BSBFB Nasty Fall Competition. The winner will take home all the quarters in the company swear jar, if you can lift it, which I doubt.

Here comes our first contestant, a Mr. Ryan from Mobile, Alabama. His entry was a little rough, what with all the drywall and insulation he had to go through, but he kept his head through the initial bash. On the way down he performed a very impressive cul chute, while bracing for the inevitable impact. He stuck the landing while retaining full control of his bladder and bowels, another mark in his favor.

Right now we’re seeing 10s across the board. The Bulgarian judge only gave him a 6.2, but he’s been drinking brake fluid, so we don’t count it.

Missed It By That Much

Missed It By That Much

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Something seems off about this video. I just can’t put my finger on it. He’s got the speed down. The wheels seem to be spinning in the correct direction. The rain doesn’t seem to be affecting him, so that can’t be it. He starts mowing the grass about halfway through, but it’s likely that he needs a side gig and does landscaping in his off hours.

I’ve got it! He keeps making right turns. What a weirdo. Everyone knows racetracks only have left turns.

Then I Will Sing a Song for You About Ninety-Nine Balloons

Then I Will Sing a Song for You About Ninety-Nine Balloons

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Just because there’s an apocalypse doesn’t mean you won’t want cable TV and a drum set. He’s probably eating beans straight out of a can for all his meals already. Why not do it underground? Sure, you could store more stuff down there to keep life and limb together if you ditched the drum kit and the surround sound, but a man has to have priorities. This man has his head screwed on straight.  There’s no way he could have any friends that aren’t on the internet, and so, imaginary in a technical sense. He only needs enough grub for himself. He can even skimp on toilet paper and there’s no one to notice.

There’s no reason to waste any space on more than a twin bed and a single chair. The chances of attracting a bird to his aboveground lair must be mighty slim. Attracting one to his underground James (Gold) Bond lair would be nearly impossible. There could be mushroom clouds rising left and right, and he could be standing at the top of his ladder, beckoning to the neighborhood girls to join him, but I suspect they’d all take a pass and stay above stairs with strontium raining down on them rather than head on down to the mancave. Here’s why: If you watch any home improvement show, you’d know that all women want contractors to tear out their perfectly serviceable bathrooms, and then install shiplapped boards, marble tile, and a claw foot tub in front of a giant picture window so they can bathe like Dita von Teese in a burlesque show. They will not, however, poop in an underground living room while you watch footie.