MY POTIONS ARE TOO STRONG FOR YOU

MY POTIONS ARE TOO STRONG FOR YOU

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Well, the script is a little repetitive, but it’s still better than the end of Game of Thrones, you have to admit.

Me, I get all of my strong potions from my dad’s desk. He tells me not to tell mom about it, because she made him throw away all of his strongest potions when they got hitched. She says that dad goes out on epic quests whenever he drinks strong potions, so he’s not allowed to partake anymore. She says he has a family to take care of now and needs to act responsibly. But he’s an adventurer at heart, so he keeps them around anyway. Every once and a while he lets me take a sip of his potions, and I get the urge to go out and battle my enemies. I also get a headache.

Of course, I’d need a fake ID if I ever wanted to buy my own strong potions. I’m only a level 18 knight, and I’m not allowed to buy potions until I’m level 21. And remember, kids: don’t potion and drive!

The Quest For Poliziotto Superpiù

The Quest For Poliziotto Superpiù

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I don’t know who or what Super Fuzz is, but he’s sorta my hero. It’s hard to look cool in the electric chair, but somehow, he manages it. I mean, c’mon, he even puts on his trucker cap like a boss . But who is he? I need to know what on Earth is happening, and I need to know now.

I went to the local library and asked them if they had anything on Super Fuzz, but they said that if I wasn’t going to buy anything I would be escorted out. Technically, the magazine rack at Walmart doesn’t count as a library, but I felt they were a little brusque. Frustrated, I went downtown to the hall of records. They told me they really don’t carry those sorts of records. They said the music was piped in from somewhere, they weren’t exactly sure how it worked, but an instrumental version of Lady in Red got played most days, which was nice.

The intertunnel, who always knows and always watches, says:

Super Fuzz or Poliziotto superpiù is an Italian comedy film about Dave Speed, a bumbling Miami police officer who gains super powers through accidental nuclear exposure.

That’s only a hint of a scintilla of a clue, really. I need to know where I can subscribe to his newsletter, buy his VHS tapes, and where to attend his TED talk.  I’ll keep hunting around and let you know what I find out. In the meantime, I’m going to go expose myself to nuclear radiation. I don’t know if deliberate nuclear exposure is as good as accidental nuclear exposure, but it’s worth a try. 

You Scratch My Back, I Scratch Your Face Off

You Scratch My Back, I Scratch Your Face Off

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Leopards are the most Metal of all the felines. If you could transform animals into music, house cats would be a mixture of smooth jazz and spy movie music. Leopards would be melt your face off – headbang till you’re dead – vomit till you bleed out your eyeballs Heavy Metal. Imagine a series of songs about raining blood, disemboweling stuff, and leaving the toilet seat up. Leopards have that playing in their heads at all times. Except when they’re getting a nice leopard scratching session. Then it’s all cuddles. I like you, the leopard thought. I’ll kill you last (power chords).

Forget Breaking Up. Backing Up Is Hard To Do

Forget Breaking Up. Backing Up Is Hard To Do

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Oh dear. It’s boat launching season again! It’s when the laws of gravity, and physics, and buoyancy, and just plain laws are all cast to the ground and trod upon. Well, that’s not exactly accurate. Some are drowned.

I love the two-ton cars pulling three-ton boats. The intrepid jet ski enthusiasts who figure, hey, trucks are made of steel, and steel is strong. There are several hardy souls bucking to become a senator from Massachusetts. But they saved the best for last. If you don’t come back from a day on the water in that condition, there’s no sense going.