BSBFB

Joe Thomas: The Invisible Man

September 14, 2019 aubuchon Comments 0 Comment

There is no greater way to learn anything than to watch someone who really knows what they’re doing. Working alongside someone who knows what’s what is an even faster way to get better at anything. It’s possible that Joe Thomas was the best left tackle in the league while he was playing. He’s a physical freak, of course, like all NFL players must be to even get in the league. But it’s obvious that he didn’t rely solely on his size, speed, and strength to make a living as an offensive lineman. He understood the techniques used by his opponents, and developed techniques of his own to counter them.

And all that talent, and all that preparation, and all that analysis and hard work, was used to keep Brandon Weeden et. al. upright long enough to throw a pass into the ground five feet in front of the receiver. No one ever said life was fair.

Slightly More Flammable Than a Tesla

September 13, 2019 aubuchon Comments 0 Comment

Awesome. All you need is more matches than a 1940s movie detective, and some cardboard. Oh, and a slo-mo camera. Don’t skimp on the glue gun. It’s going to get a workout. Side-cutting pliers come in handy. I’m pretty sure the girlie bracelets are optional. Actually, I’m really sure the girlie bracelets are optional. Upon further deliberation, girlie bracelets are for girls. Knock that off, and get back to arson, as God, man, and the BSBFB intended.

(Thanks to the red-hot Charles Schneider for sending that one along)

The Last Time I Ate A Sandwich Like That I Didn’t Poop Right For A Week

September 12, 2019 aubuchon Comments 0 Comment

I’m not sure I approve of the recipes in this video. At first it’s all leather and doilies. The last time I saw that volume of leather and doilies in public was a Stevie Nicks music video back in the nineties. I was really wasted on Zima, as was the style at the time, but I vaguely remember acres of doily and leather, and the sound of a sheep bleating. The nineties was a sad time indeed.

Well, it may have been pretty bleak back in the nineties, but at least we didn’t have to eat our sporting equipment. There was a scrunchie outbreak, followed by a jellies epidemic. People sprouted fanny pack buboes. Collars were popped. Drew Barrymore had some sort of career for some reason that escapes me. Girls wore Guess jeans that had pockets riding so high on the torso that they could get toll change out with their teeth. Shoulder pads turned ladies shirts into yield signs.

People watched basketball on TV instead of football back then. I don’t remember basketball all that clearly anymore, but if memory serves, it involves smacking a circus geek name Shaquille on the arm and then seeing how many balls he could lob into the stands while men with acromegaly stand on stripes on either side of him. I’m ashamed to admit I never did figure out how they kept score. No matter how many times he heaved it, the scoreboard never changed, so it was hard to follow. Football today is much easier to understand. Everyone that hasn’t belted a girl in an elevator yet lines up on the fifty yard line, and the quarterback heaves a pass out of bounds. Then men dressed like jail inmates put the ball on the one yard line because someone looked at someone else funny, and touchdown records are broken.

Hell, maybe we should eat the equipment.

Chinese For Beginners, The Visibly Drunk, And The Mentally Impaired

September 11, 2019 aubuchon Comments 0 Comment

I always wanted to learn Chinese, until I found out that ordering a number 18 at any Chinese restaurant will usually get you something good. Then I stopped caring. I can barely speak English as it is, so I don’t really think learning another convoluted mess of a language would benefit me at all. If anything I’d probably regress to a point where I couldn’t speak either language and I’d be rendered mute. The same thing happened in high school when I tried to walk, breathe, and chew gum at the same time. I wound up having a seizure and they made me wait in the nurse’s office while she applied leeches to the other sick students.

At least Chinese doesn’t pretend that it has a real alphabet like some other languages. They just seem to make stuff up as they go along. It’s like an inside joke that 1.2 billion people are in on.