WOO, SPEED, LEFT TURNS, etc.

WOO, SPEED, LEFT TURNS, etc.

Going 200 miles an hour into a wall sounds like the worst way to scrape your knee, ever. Personally, I’d much rather insert large rocks into my skin from the comfort of my own home; like any normal person would.

I don’t really go for this whole dressing up in your pajamas, and making sweet, sweet, left turns. I’m all for the left turns, I just don’t think my wardrobe could handle any more jumpsuits. I mean, I’ve already got at least seven for casual wear,  and another seven for formal dinners. Adding another seven for racing would put me in quite the predicament. I wouldn’t have anywhere to store my collection of moon boots and snuggies.

If you look really closely you can see that every once and a while they make a right turn too. Weird.

Bad Sneakers And A Slow Motion Camera, My Friend

Bad Sneakers And A Slow Motion Camera, My Friend

How to make a successful skateboarding video: a lesson by Charlie Maine.

First and foremost you will need to own something resembling a skateboard. It’s okay if it’s just a 2×8 with all the wheels missing, it’s the thought that counts. Next, you’ll need the proper skating attire. Go put on your favorite Slayer t-shirt, flannel top, tight pants, and bad sneakers to fit in with your friends. The spiky denim jacket of yesteryear has been almost completely phased out in favor of the cleaner, neater, almost hipster look. You can still keep all your Black Flag patches, but punk is dead, dude. There’s nothing you can do about it, stop living in the past, man.

Finally, buy a five-thousand dollar slow-motion video camera, and watch the views come pouring in. Enjoy a fruitful existence full of sweet grinds, awesome ollies, and whatever it is skateboarders do.

Pythons Ripped My Flesh

Pythons Ripped My Flesh

Now that’s what I call taking a bite to the face like a man. Leave it to our dear friend Steve Irwin to get a chunk of his cheek taken out, and then react to it like it was an unexpected kiss. As he said, pythons have no fangs, and no venom so he’s in no danger whatsoever. Except of course for that whole face biting thing, that seems a bit dangerous.

I feel much worse for the snake though. The poor thing probably broke all it’s teeth bouncing off of Steve Irwin’s iron cheekbone. If that slithery fellow isn’t careful he might make Steve angry, and no snake wants an angry crocodile hunter on their tail. Try getting away when you have six feet of Australian using you as a rather fancy boomerang.

My Money Is On The Invertebrate

My Money Is On The Invertebrate

Yoga: a silent, but deadly art form. Like a fart in the face of your enemy, yoga will mess that fella up.

Years of Kung fu training are no match for a man with an extremely bendy thumb. Then again, the sound of his joints cracking is enough to make a grown man wet himself. In the heat of combat that must be absolutely devastating. It’s almost as effective as taking a nail to a chalkboard, except you smack the guy with your super bendy arm afterwards.

The super bendy arm move is a great conversation starter. If you’re trying to chat someone up, tell them about your super bendy arm move. It always works for me.