Elderly Men In Poofy Pants Frighten The Neighbors

Elderly Men In Poofy Pants Frighten The Neighbors

I feel very uncomfortable. Not quite as uncomfortable as hearing your parents making sweet, sweet love in the other room, but somewhere around there. I can only imagine what seeing Mick Jagger and David Bowie on a dimly lit street would be like. Let alone having them corner you in an alley, menacingly snapping, and shuffling their way down until they’re right on top of you. Toothy, British smiles hanging over you, asking if you’re ready for a brand new beat. Spooky; I’m certainly not ready for that nor will I ever be. That’s enough to traumatize any normal person.

But we at the BSBFB aren’t normal people. A true borderline boy would have a response ready before the question was even asked.

“Yes”, he would reply.

“I am ready.”

The Bond Villain School Of Marksmanship

The Bond Villain School Of Marksmanship

Rule one of The Bond Villain School of Marksmanship: hit everywhere except the target. Maybe clip his shoulder if you really want to get dramatic, but stay away from any vital organs. Everyone who isn’t a main character is game, but if you were paying any attention during your training you shouldn’t be able to hit the broad side of a barn.

In the competitive minion market only the worst shots get hired. If you so much as fire within 20 feet of the target, your resume is going straight in the trash. Once you’ve been on the job for a while you can start actually firing at people, but until then don’t even aim. Take it from an expert. As an evil overload of deathly doom I can safely say that none of my minions even know what a gun looks like, let alone how to shoot one. That’s why I wholeheartedly endorse this new gangsta grip sensation that’s sweeping the nation. It’s all about intimidation, and property damage. Why should I use my minions to take out secret agents when I can use my brand new death laser of death? Exactly. The dang thing cost twelve tons of gold bullion, so I’m going to darn well use it.

Hey, Kid — You Wanna See A Dead Body?

Hey, Kid — You Wanna See A Dead Body?

[Note: I would advise starting the video from the 37 second mark to get to the juicy bits]

I think we all knew someone like this in high school. That one kid who would always wear an overcoat in the summer, and try to show you his collection of roadkill. You know, the guy who would try to pick up girls by telling them about all the knives he has in his trailer. If no one is coming to mind then you’re missing out. Nothing beats awkwardly eating lunch with a guy who’s really passionate about sharp objects.

Anyways, our old friend seems to be doing quite well for himself. He’s still got that knife fetish, but that’s easy to look past. At least he’s employed. I figured I’d see him on the wrong end of a police standoff someday, but being wrong can sometimes be an immense relief. If you ever bump into him, please for the love of god don’t tell him where I live. When I was a freshman I accidentally called his butterfly knife a switchblade, and I’ve been hiding from him ever since.

Gotta Go Fast

Gotta Go Fast

When the title said 1000 mph office I was expecting something slightly different. I wanted to see a four story brick building filled with code monkeys barreling into orbit, but I guess a car is alright too. Well, it’s more of a land-bound rocket than a car, but I won’t tell if you don’t tell.

I’m hoping that when he gets done breaking the world land speed record he uses his office for actual work. You know, set up a nice desk, plug in a laptop, and start filling out spreadsheets or whatever it is people with real jobs do. I wouldn’t know, I spend all my time correcting people on the internet. It’s a dirty job, but someone has got to do it.

[Many thanks to illustrious Gerard at American Digest for sending this video along]