Don’t Look Down Дмитрий

Don’t Look Down Дмитрий

Climbing in Kiev is a very tricky business.

Imagine clinging to a bridge that has been designed, built, and maintained Ukrainians. Now there’s a scary thought. You’re in a country that was called the Ukrainian Soviet Socialist Republic until 1991, and you’re trusting that the whole bridge isn’t about to collapse in on itself. That’s pretty hardcore, dude.

I’ve got to hand it to them though, those commies can pour concrete. They’ve got a fetish for the stuff. Never have I seen an entire nation so fascinated with creating architecture that’s almost as sullen as their weather. The only people who can pour concrete better than communists are the Romans, and they make everyone look like they’re playing around in a puddle of mud in front of a grass shack by comparison.

Don’t Be That Guy

Don’t Be That Guy

It should be your goal in life to never be that guy. You know what I mean: The guy who roller skates around the airport with a go pro staked on the end of a javelin, pretending that he’s cool because he’s wearing suspenders and forgot to comb his hair in any sensible way. That guy. He even put a hashtag in the title just to get my goat. If I wanted to be bombarded with meaningless symbols that were made popular by people who typed War and Peace with their thumbs every day, I’d make a Twitter account.

If I said the camera has to be trained on him throughout the whole video because he’s so gosh darn interesting and really comes up with some witty dialogue, I’d be lying. I’ve watched at least half of this video, and I can tell you that he doesn’t utter a single sound the entire time. It gives sort of a Penn and Teller effect, except Penn is lying in a puddle of his own vomit in the middle of the stage and Teller has become shorter and very punchable.

To be honest, I’m just jealous because when I was eleven I saw a commercial for Heelys and I would have given up several non-vital organs to get my hands on a pair. That’s me lying again — the only things I’d give up a kidney for are Moon Shoes and for the TSA to stop staring menacingly at my carry on bag full of James Joyce novels and black tar heroin.

(Many thanks to Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)

Reason Number 12,796 To Never Go Outside Again

Reason Number 12,796 To Never Go Outside Again

They’re more like fighter jets than birds. The only difference is I’m a lot less worried about getting pooped on by fighter jets. I might get hit by a couple loose missiles, but at least there won’t be any poop. I’d take instantaneous death over mild discomfort any day. Just imagine the smell of digested bird brains running down your shirt and you’ll be ready to get bombed.

It’s All Fun And Games Until You Can’t Find The Spider Anymore

It’s All Fun And Games Until You Can’t Find The Spider Anymore

Spiders are terrifying. That spider in particular is the most horrible little creature I have ever laid eyes on. If I ever encounter a spider of that size in real life I’m not sure what I would do. It’s not like we could kill it; that thing could take a shotgun blast to the abdomen and shake it off like it got hit with a spitball.

I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit — it’s the only way to be sure