They Don’t Make Bears Like They Used To

They Don’t Make Bears Like They Used To

People need to be more careful, the pandas appear to be coordinating their attacks and going for vital organs. The guy in the video fought valiantly, but I’m sure they left out the part where he was disemboweled and eaten at the end.

Okay, I admit it: pandas aren’t the most vicious bunch. But they have bear in their name for poop’s sake. Being called a panda bear is so misleading; it’s like making a Smith & Wesson baby stroller or an Abrams throw pillow. You’d think that with a name like panda bear they’d rip someone’s face off every once and a while or eat a hiker or two. I mean, come on, koala bears are more threatening and they’re twice as cuddly.

I wouldn’t try to hug a koala bear, though — they’re just as bloodthirsty as everything else in Australia and they won’t hesitate to bite your face off and wear it like a fleshy Halloween mask.

Everybody Was Surfin, Surfin Uruguay

Everybody Was Surfin, Surfin Uruguay

It’s getting harder and harder to catch gnarly waves while you’re on the job, which is why it’s always good to be prepared to surf whenever the opportunity presents itself. Unfortunately, the fellow in the excavator wasn’t prepared, so he pooped himself and fled the scene. We all know what happens to the guy who wrecks the 500,000 dollar piece of machinery, so maybe sprinting off into the sunset was a good idea, but surfing should always come first.

Savage beatings and threats of dismemberment from your supervisor is bad enough, but once your factor in the regret from not riding the excavator like the action-movie bad ass you aspire to be, life becomes unlivable. You might as well just take a bath with your toaster and get it over with, because you blew it, kiddo.

(Many thanks to Charles Schneider for sending this one our way)

Watchmakers Of The World Unite

Watchmakers Of The World Unite

As many people have pointed out, I am a mixture between a drooling moron and a Luddite. I don’t take it personally because I am quite fond of being an idiot. Ignorance is bliss, and idiocy is the purest form of happiness.

When I went to school I had to take the shortest of short buses. My bus had two seats, one axle, and an imprint of my butt where I would sit. The driver would drop me off in the middle of a field and I would eat mud all day, because attempting to educate me bankrupted the entire state of Massachusetts at one point. They completely gave up after I left the first grade, so I was left to my own devices for many years.

After a while I got bored and made a vague attempt to educate myself. I’m still on the spectrum of vapid idiocy, but there is some hope. After watching this video I wondered how much one of these watches would cost. After a quick search I found out that a watch made by Patek Philippe is worth well over 500,000 dollars, with some advanced models costing 990,000 dollars. I was taken aback, startled, and very confused.

Does this watch cure cancer? Is it the key to immortality? Will it fix my receding hairline and secure my place in the afterlife? Hoping to find some answers a dove deeper, and found five reviews for the watch in question. Overall, the 990,000 dollar watch had an average review score of three out of five stars. Not only have five people actually bought the watch, but three of them gave it a review of two stars or fewer. One review eloquently states, “Isn’t even actually a watch” and another says “It was not really worth it”.

Now, I may be an absurdly dressed, window-licking, knee-biting dullard, but I’m coming to accept it. At least I haven’t bought any 990,000 dollar watches recently.

I’d Stay Off Of This Guy’s Lawn If I Were You

I’d Stay Off Of This Guy’s Lawn If I Were You

Gun-toting plumbers from Louisiana make the best YouTube videos. Actually, he looks like more of an electrician; I can see it in his eyes. Tradesmen make the deadliest warriors because they want to kill everyone on the job almost as much as postmen do.

I can appreciate his dedication to playing it fast and loose, but I don’t know if there’s any practical application for most of these activities. If you’re ever in a situation where you’re blindfolded and you need to get six rounds downrange in under a second, maybe you should consider playing pin the tail on the donkey in a nicer neighborhood, so you don’t have to resort to blowing the heads off half a dozen party-goers at the drop of a hat. That seems to be the only situation where that exercise would be applicable, and it can be easily avoided.

Then again, it never pays to be unprepared.