BSBFB

(Fair warning if your sound is on: Lawrence Taylor apparently knew several swear words, and how to blaspheme a bit)

What’s an MVP? It stands for Most Valuable Player, but it’s rarely that anymore. They’re not going to give the award to a kicker, for instance, no matter how many times he wins a game. Let’s face it, in today’s version of pro football, the award goes to a starting quarterback, period. And it only goes to starting quarterbacks who like to talk to sportswriters. Gotta work that room to get those votes.

And what of unofficial titles like GOAT (Greatest Of All Time)? Tom Brady’s pretty much got that one locked down now, and they’ll probably name him MVP the day before he starts collecting Social Security. There are still a few lonely voices who tout Jerry Rice, and they have a point. But when a big ship like the SS Public Opinion gets turned around, it heads in the same direction for a long time. The GOAT ship has sailed for now. Let’s argue about something else.

We need a different type award for the NFL. A totally new one, I guess. We can hand out this award right now, even though it’s going to be for the best ever. That’s the risk with awarding GOAT type awards. The future, and the present, must be completely discounted. That’s not going to be a problem with the award I’m dreaming up. The way the game is currently played, and the way it’s shaping up to be played going forward, means we can give out this newly minted, best ever award without fear of the honoree ever falling into second place behind anyone, ever. The award is going to Lawrence Taylor, and no one is going to take anything away from him, and live to tell about it, on or off the field, I imagine. And if a Lawrence Taylor +1 ever appeared in the NFL, he wouldn’t be allowed to play even close to what we see here in this video. It’s bad business to scare the other teams, your own teammates, the coaches, the cheerleaders, the people in the stands, and everyone watching on TV.

So here’s to you, Lawrence Taylor. The BSBFB hereby awards you the first (and probably the only) TSMWEPF trophy. It’s a bronze figurine of Magua holding up a human heart, standing atop an ice cream truck covered with human skulls. You’re The Scariest Man Who Ever Played Football. And always will be.

All in all, a pretty good rundown on how to play football. However, they completely glossed over how to freeze the bottoms of your feet off with liquid nitrogen, and then refuse to play unless you’re allowed to wear a defective helmet. There was very little guidance about what to say when your team’s owner goes to the massage parlor. Proper elevator etiquette for running backs didn’t make the cut for topics, either. They skipped right over how to imitate a toddler pitching a fit in the candy aisle after you score a touchdown. I dozed off in the middle, but I’m pretty certain they didn’t even discuss contract holdouts. But at least it’s football, unlike whatever it is they’re playing in the NFL preseason.

Well, they’re being a bit kind here by including missed tackles along with the football jukes. But not a bad compendium overall. I’m sure the NFL will send an army of lawyers to have this removed from YouTube eventually. We’ll enjoy it while it lasts. Also, I have a confession. I would have bet that the top 4 jukes of all time would all have been clips of Barry Sanders. That’s all he did. It was him against 11 guys and the 11 guys always lost. They occasionally tackled him when one of the other ten guys on the Lions got in his way, but that’s about it.

So, Marshawn Lynch retired. He went, willingly, to NFL Siberia first. Oakland is one of those places you end up, or you start out. Never both. But going enthusiastically to Oakland to wind up his career was just Marshawn being Marshawn.

The highlight reel lingers over his stay in Seattle. That’s understandable. That’s his Lombardi interlude. But it was in Buffalo that he truly mattered. That team didn’t stink, really. It was just good enough to be transformed into something compelling to watch by adding him to the roster. If he’d have stayed there, he’d have been a god in western New York. That’s not a very steep Olympus to climb, so he went elsewhere to be noticed.

He’ll never get in the Hall of Fame. But many years after you have to look up the names and stats of the people who get in instead of him, people will still be playing the clip of the Beastquake over and over. Perhaps it’s better to be one of a kind than simply among the best of your peers.