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Category: What it was was football

Joe Thomas: The Invisible Man

Joe Thomas: The Invisible Man

There is no greater way to learn anything than to watch someone who really knows what they’re doing.  Working alongside someone who knows what’s what is an even faster way to get better at anything. It’s possible that Joe Thomas was the best left tackle in the league while he was playing. He’s a physical freak, of course, like all NFL players must be to even get in the league. But it’s obvious that he didn’t rely solely on his size, speed, and strength to make a living as an offensive lineman. He understood the techniques used by his opponents, and developed techniques of his own to counter them.

And all that talent, and all that preparation, and all that analysis and hard work, was used to keep Brandon Weeden et. al. upright long enough to throw a pass into the ground five feet in front of the receiver. No one ever said life was fair.

Sometimes There’s a Kicker

Sometimes There’s a Kicker

I won’t say a hero, ’cause, what’s a hero? But sometimes, there’s a kicker. And I’m talkin’ about the Patriots kicker dude here. Sometimes, there’s a kicker — well, he’s the kicker for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that’s the Vinatieri dude, from Foxboro. And even if he’s a lazy man – and kickers are generally that, sitting on the bench for hours at a time. Quite possibly the laziest kicker in Dallas, which would place him high in the runnin’ for laziest worldwide. But sometimes there’s a kicker, sometimes, there’s a kicker…

Lawrence Taylor: TSMWEPF

Lawrence Taylor: TSMWEPF

(Fair warning if your sound is on: Lawrence Taylor apparently knew several swear words, and how to blaspheme a bit)

What’s an MVP? It stands for Most Valuable Player, but it’s rarely that anymore. They’re not going to give the award to a kicker, for instance, no matter how many times he wins a game. Let’s face it, in today’s version of pro football, the award goes to a starting quarterback, period. And it only goes to starting quarterbacks who like to talk to sportswriters. Gotta work that room to get those votes.

And what of unofficial titles like GOAT (Greatest Of All Time)? Tom Brady’s pretty much got that one locked down now, and they’ll probably name him MVP the day before he starts collecting Social Security. There are still a few lonely voices who tout Jerry Rice, and they have a point. But when a big ship like the SS Public Opinion gets turned around, it heads in the same direction for a long time. The GOAT ship has sailed for now. Let’s argue about something else.

We need a different type award for the NFL. A totally new one, I guess. We can hand out this award right now, even though it’s going to be for the best ever. That’s the risk with awarding GOAT type awards. The future, and the present, must be completely discounted. That’s not going to be a problem with the award I’m dreaming up. The way the game is currently played, and the way it’s shaping up to be played going forward, means we can give out this newly minted, best ever award without fear of the honoree ever falling into second place behind anyone, ever. The award is going to Lawrence Taylor, and no one is going to take anything away from him, and live to tell about it, on or off the field, I imagine. And if a Lawrence Taylor +1 ever appeared in the NFL, he wouldn’t be allowed to play even close to what we see here in this video. It’s bad business to scare the other teams, your own teammates, the coaches, the cheerleaders, the people in the stands, and everyone watching on TV.

So here’s to you, Lawrence Taylor. The BSBFB hereby awards you the first (and probably the only) TSMWEPF trophy. It’s a bronze figurine of Magua holding up a human heart, standing atop an ice cream truck covered with human skulls. You’re The Scariest Man Who Ever Played Football. And always will be.

How To Play Football

How To Play Football

All in all, a pretty good rundown on how to play football. However, they completely glossed over how to freeze the bottoms of your feet off with liquid nitrogen, and then refuse to play unless you’re allowed to wear a defective helmet. There was very little guidance about what to say when your team’s owner goes to the massage parlor. Proper elevator etiquette for running backs didn’t make the cut for topics, either. They skipped right over how to imitate a toddler pitching a fit in the candy aisle after you score a touchdown. I dozed off in the middle, but I’m pretty certain they didn’t even discuss contract holdouts. But at least it’s football, unlike whatever it is they’re playing in the NFL preseason.